My mum used to take those meds called clonazepan, they’re strong tranquillisers. None of us knew they can cause shaking and having difficulties with finding the right words. She looked like she had beginning stages of Alzheimer or possibly Lewy body dementia. She actually was in psychiatric hospital for a bit at some point, the same where I was told I have schizophrenia, and she was told it’s Alzheimer so I’m not impressed with the doctors there.
Over a year ago she passed out and a young doctor from the ambulance said she cannot take clonazepan any more – that’s what my brother says. She was at the time taken to the hospital and then to a care home. And after around two weeks I realised she spoke with me normally, she had no difficulties with finding words any more.
When I came to Poland a few weeks later I took her on leave and she was like a completely different person, lively, fit and eloquent. I was so happy that I have been given another chance with her and at the same time I knew she didn’t need to be in a care home. But leaving her in family home would mean my brother may become abusive towards her. So I decided I’ll take her with me.
I didn’t have much time to think it all through. There was a risk that UK government will introduce quarantine for people coming from abroad and I needed to be back before that.
I don’t know if I really considered how living with her every day is going to be. I don’t know if she really wanted to go with me, I think she mostly wanted to show to my brother that she can leave, hoping this will give him a wake up call.
Three days after moving with me she told me she wants to be back. She was then saying that every single day. I thought when she gets used to a bit, she’ll stop, but she didn’t. She also tried to reorganise my life, tried to constantly help me with things I didn’t need help with and knew where every single piece of my clothing was. I was so stressed most of the time, it was unbelievable.
And yet, I did consider taking her again, now, even though she can’t walk.
It’s difficult. I need to learn how to say goodbye. The fact I love her doesn’t mean I can change her life.