Recently me and John decided to get married. My relationship status on Facebook has been ‘engaged’ for around two years now and I was going to be happy with it without getting married. Do you find it weird? ‘Engaged’ sounds more serious than ‘in a relationship’ and it was all I wanted. But one day, when John was at mine, I was watching Say yes to the dress, a show about choosing wedding dress, and I asked him jokingly when I could buy a wedding dress and he said I could any time. But we would need to get married, I said. We will, he said. And that was it, we will get married without moving in together.

John also said he would consider moving to Poland when he retires and I was initially surprised. Moving to Poland would be a massive change and autistic people are reluctant to changes. I should have asked him why he wanted to move but that question only came up now, as I am typing this post.

I never really considered moving back to Poland. I am quite happy where I am and, because my bills are low, I would be able to support myself with state pension. But that conversation with John triggered a longing: I want to renovate my parents’ house. I really liked that house and liked visiting when my mum was still there. I liked it even though its layout was very impractical and mum never cared about decorating.

So me and John were talking about living in Poland and only then I realised that if we sell both of our properties and put our savings together we will have what would be considered a lot of money in Poland. We could easily renovate my parents’ house, set up a small gym in outbuildings and possibly a small brewery for him. And we’d still have some money left. Also our state pensions would allow us to live comfortably.

I got so excited that I wanted to plan everything at once: what work needs doing in the house, how I want to decorate it, when exactly we could move (possibly before reaching state pension age), how we will be spending our time (maybe volunteering). I couldn’t stop thinking about it. At some point I realised that I was getting hyper and if that won’t stop I may end up maniac. John told me to slow down but it’s easier said than done. I tried to get myself occupied with cleaning my flat but my thoughts didn’t calm down.

I had to take sleeping tablet in the evening and I woke up really late the next day. I felt sad. I always feel sad after getting hyper as I realise that the idea that made me hyper isn’t really that good. This time it was the realisation that after reaching retirement age we will have maybe ten years to enjoy our new house. If we’re lucky, I mean. And what if John goes first and I’ll be left on my own, in a house 15 minutes walk from public transport? What if I go first and John will have to stay there without the ability to properly communicate?

And I also felt guilty because my brother lives in that house now. If you read my blog regularly you may remember he has an alcohol problem, a very serious one. My mum wasn’t able to help him even though she was there so how can I? And while making these plans I somehow assumed that my brother won’t live in that house no more… I just assumed, it felt logical and possibly it also brought me a sense of relief. But that doesn’t mean I want him to die.