So, on the morning of 31st of October, me and John drove 3.5h up north for his mum funeral. It was the first time I took part in the funeral in the UK and it seemed very different from the ceremony in Poland. John’s dad wasn’t taking things very well and I felt very sorry for him. I also met some of John’s family and they all seemed nice people. I also met his brother for the first time and I must say he looks very much like John although neither of them seem to take after their parents.

After the ceremony the closest family met at the house for tea and sandwiches and I was given my tea in a mug with Poland written on it and a Polish emblem. If it was on any different day I’d find it hilarious. It’s a pity his dad lives so far away from us as he seemed really nice and I regret I can’t offer him any practical support.

Me and John spent most of yesterday driving and weather wasn’t great for quite a bit of the time. On the way there we had hot drinks and our homemade sandwiches at a service station and on the way back we stopped in a small town and got burger and chips from a chippy. To be quite precise it was John who had a burger and I had onion rings and a few chips from him.

I felt somehow uncomfortable that I wasn’t able to imagine how John felt; he wasn’t very close with his mum, certainly less than I was with mine, but it was still his mum and also the death of a parent seems to be an event that reminds us about our own mortality but John didn’t seem to want to discuss it; he behaved the same way he would in any other situation and that confused me. I also started thinking excessively about the fact that I couldn’t go to my mum’s funeral and about the fact that I don’t have children who would come to mine; I don’t have anyone at all and who knows, maybe I will die in my flat and no one will find me for another couple of weeks.

This thinking gave me a bad mood and John said I should do things that I enjoy but I don’t want to. Being in a good mood seems as if I am a fraud. Being in a bad mood seems as if my life is real.

John’s dad was worried that children may knock on his door in an attempt to ‘treat or trick’ him and he wanted to be left alone. I do hope nobody disturbed him and that he will be fine. I can’t do anything to make his life easier but I wonder if I could volunteer as a companion to an elderly person where I live. I need to look into it.