This is a situation that happened to me recently and it’s so priceless that I decided to put it on the blog regardless.

So, there is that woman I met around a month ago, she’s a few years older than me and also Polish. We, Polish, often say that we need to be extra careful with other Polish people because it’s them who will give us most trouble while living abroad. I don’t think that being Polish means we are prone to give other people troubles but possibly some of us trust others a bit too quickly as we feel lonely. But this woman is very nice so when she asked me for a favour, I…

It’s a long story so bear with me.

She asked me if I can rent my spare bedroom to her son. I initially refused but shortly after I changed my mind and I agreed to have him for up to two weeks and I didn’t even want any money for it. Why? Because I felt sorry for him as she said he’s in conflict with her husband (his dad). The only thing that came to my mind at the time was how difficult some fathers are.

She told me her son is 28 – that’s a bit long for living with parents, wouldn’t you agree? But again, at the time that thought didn’t occur to me.

She also said that she had to pay for the hotel for him to stay, initially for one night, hoping he’d find somewhere to live but he didn’t and finally, after three nights in the hotel he went to stay with his friends somewhere around two hours drive from Swindon. And now he has to leave that accommodation too. It did seem to me that all of that happened very recently and he only been with his friends for a couple of days, but again, I didn’t ask and she didn’t volunteer to provide any more details.

What she said instead was that her son is ‘very handsome’.

‘John will be jealous’ I said and that thought filled me with dread. ‘Don’t tell him then’ she advised. ‘But at some point he’ll want to visit me’ I said. ‘When?’ she asked. ‘Probably next weekend’ I said. ‘Oh, don’t worry, he’ll move out by then’ she reassured me a bit too eagerly.

The conversation took place around 6pm and initially she wanted her son to move in on the same day but I said no. I said I needed to tidy up but possibly it was my gut feeling guiding me. We finally agreed she’d bring him over the next day late evening.

I came home and started pacing up and down the corridor. I took a piece of paper and wrote a couple of rules for him to follow – the most important was that he’s not allowed to cook or have a take away when I’m at home. I am doing intermittent fasting again and smell of food really triggers me. But he can have sandwiches of course.

Unfortunately making the list didn’t calm my mind. I kept thinking about how to manage this situation and I couldn’t calm down. At 10pm I took 20mg of olanzapine (I’m normally on 5mg) but, when after two hours I was just a bit calmer but still wasn’t asleep, I took another 10mg. Maximum recommended dose is 20mg so technically I overdosed. Why do I do that to myself I thought before falling asleep.

The next day in the morning I was thinking about how to make sure he won’t overstay. I came up with the idea that I won’t say a word to John but tell them that I told him it’s a female staying with me. I was hoping that will reinforce the message that he really is here for a couple of days only.

But then I had that thought that I have to be careful due to my lack of social imagination and that people rarely behave the way I expect them to. Since that moment I started having real doubts.

What if he won’t respect my rules and won’t be eager to move out? What if I feel uncomfortable having a male stranger in my house, even for a few days? And, most importantly, what about my mental health?

Why his friends don’t want him after just a couple of days, why he had conflict with his dad and why didn’t he move out earlier, if it was that bad? If he is 28 he should have been more proactive.

The woman didn’t seem to be in conflict with his husband, I knew they sometimes go on trips together so it seemed he’s not someone who likes creating conflict.

Why didn’t I ask all those questions to begin with? I didn’t because they just didn’t occur to me at the time. I’m autistic and I need to think twice. Or possibly even three times.

What came to my mind finally was that quite possibly the reason for the conflict between my prospective longer and his dad was that the son kept spending money frivolously and didn’t contribute to rent and, if that was true, he may be very difficult to get rid of. I also started worrying that if I keep insisting on him leaving he finally would but only after doing something nasty to me like breaking my laptop or cutting some of my dresses into pieces.

Initially I tried to ignore those thoughts and tried to focus on the fact that I already agreed so shouldn’t be changing my mind but then that thought appeared to me: yes, I’m autistic so I need time to think things through but she isn’t so why, for goodness sake, she didn’t provide me with all the relevant information without me asking and instead told me her son is very handsome? Maybe she thought I need a lover and I’d tolerate him for that reason?

Finally I decided I can’t ignore my doubt and I texted her.

I’m sorry but I’m starting to have second thoughts. Could you please tell me what is the reason for the conflict between your husband and your son? You said your son is 28 so why didn’t he move out before things went really bad?

I didn’t get any response for that. I know she was busy at the time but the matter was really important to her so if she wanted to answer she’d found the time.

Around 30 minutes later I texted her again. ‘You know I’m autistic, don’t you? For that reason the right things to say don’t always come to me at the time. But you aren’t autistic so why didn’t you provide me with all the necessary details and instead you told me your son is really handsome? How is that relevant?’

She didn’t respond to this text as well.

Finally I wrote: ‘I’m really sorry but I changed my mind. I really wanted to help but I can’t be getting involved in your family drama and have to prioritise my mental health. I do apologise again but I’m glad that at least I told you that before you got into the car to collect him’.

And then, within just a few minutes she called me. There was nothing else I could tell her so I rejected the call. I did the same with two other calls.

I felt uncomfortable for changing my mind, especially that I knew I’d have to see her in a couple of days, but I was glad that at least I was assertive with her. So far in similar situations, when I realised someone was trying to take advantage of me, I would get so angry that I’d end up screaming at that person. I guess that’s my meds keeping me calm without clouding my thought process so I’m really glad I take them.