It’s 9.50am and I’m wide awake. I had a very strange dream last night: at first I was told there is a married man interested in dating me and I was supposed to guess who it was from hints displayed on a large screen and a number of volunteers were meant to gather from my reaction if I’m into him or not; that was because autistics don’t know how they feel.
Mind you, this is the impression I have at the beginning of every psychotic episode: that there is another reality around me and everything that happens to me is a hint about how things are in that reality, so I did feel in the dream like I’m about to develop psychosis so it was quite scary.
Only when I finally guessed who that man was I was able to assess how I feel about dating someone who’s married and I decided it was not for me. I then felt like I disappointed everyone because I should have known straight away, before they made all this effort with preparing and displaying hints.
I woke up frightened and decided me and John have to go to couple therapy. It made perfect sense to me during the night but by now the reason behind that somehow evaporated from my mind.
I wonder if this therapy would work at all as one of the features of autistic people is that we often say whatever comes to our mind and it can be based on an article we read about a similar subject or what we heard from a friend, not on what we actually think as this is too difficult to access.
I was awake for an hour or so and finally fall asleep and stayed asleep till 9.30am. When I woke up it was with that feeling like I’m trying to run away, that I used to get every morning a while ago. I thought at the time it’s a physical problem; now I wonder if possible this is anxiety.
I have no reason to be anxious, do I? But who knows, maybe I’m getting life wrong again.