I miss Poland, terribly

I didn’t get to blog very often recently and I don’t think this is going to change. One reason is I now have permanent job, the other is the fact that I’m writing experimental novel and I’m focused on that but I think there’s also a third reason for posting much less: my olanzapine tablets improved my emotional regulation so I don’t have to use my blog to vent.

This festive season was a bit difficult for me; the first one since my mum passed away and I am painfully aware I have no close family in Poland now. My brother, severe alcoholic, can’t really be considered a family.

Every day I see posts on Facebook about cities in Poland (Kraków, Gdańsk, Warszawa, Poznań and Wrocław) and I think how much I could give to be able to be there. But you know what I miss the most? Tomaszów Mazowiecki, the medium size town that is the closest to Smardzewice, the village where I was brought up. I especially would like to visit its small shopping centre called Galeria Tomaszów. That’s where I used to go to use wifi during my prolonged stay in Poland after my first psychotic episode.

My blogging made me reflect on life a lot and I think the most important thing that I get out of that is to realize that, despite various unfortunate events in my life that caused me trauma, I had a lot of luck too that helped me to overcome adversity.

When I went to Poland at the beginning of my first psychotic episode, in September 2017, I only had just over £1k in my bank account. If something happened to my mum at the time I was recovering, I would find it close to impossible to return to the UK, where my home is.

I try to remember to be humble now.

Yes, some things should have been better and I’ve been thinking recently, my family should have received counselling when my dad had a breakdown, but those things just weren’t available at the time, not even privately. But as an adult I received help that I needed at the right time. I need to remember to be grateful and not to push my luck.

I am also lucky enough to be able to only work part time and because of that I have time to write.

I hope better time will come and I could go to Poland with John. September would be good, not necessarily next year, maybe a bit later than that. I could then cook a couple of mushroom dishes for him with wild mushrooms we’re going to buy on a marketplace in Tomaszów.

It’s difficult to live in a different country to one that someone’s was born, but my home is here now. It was practical decision at first but with time it become more than that. Yet, I will always miss Poland and it will be especially difficult around Christmas every year.

It sometimes feels like my mind is in the UK but my heart is in Poland. And there’s nothing that I can do about that.

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