According to Cambridge dictionary a devil’s advocate is ‘someone who pretends, in an argument or discussion, to be against an idea or plan that a lot of people support, in order to make people discuss and consider it in more detail’

I just finished a meeting with two tutors from my uni and it was actually ok. I mean, considering the circumstances. They at least agreed with me that it’s possible that the course is not for me because it requires ‘very grey thinking’ as it’s ‘based around values’. They said sometimes neurotypical students are struggling, which made me feel simultaneously better and worse. Better because it’s not only me who has problems; worse because if neurotypicals are struggling that means my situation is hopeless.

The problem is that if it comes to values I always play a devil’s advocate. It’s exactly how the dictionary states: I want people to focus on details and build stronger foundations for their ideas. Are you aware of any jobs where I can utilise this skill and be appreciated for it?

So if I’m supposed to praise an idea I’d need my tutors to be against it and they are not going to do that.

I just wonder how come I ended up in this situation? When I applied for this course I had no idea it’s going to be based around values. I thought it’s going to be based around knowledge. I only recently realised that we know very little about dementia. Too little to teach about it for two years, unless possibly it’s a purely medical course.

At some point one of the tutors said that I won’t find a course about dementia in this country that isn’t based around those values. At least she made it clear to me and that will prevent me from mindlessly running off to a different uni.

We agreed I’d think about it and meet again next week and, although I didn’t make the decision yet, I think I may need to withdraw. I believe, however, I should get at least partial refund – the course should have come with a warning ‘not suitable for people who think in black and white’ and that wasn’t there so they owe me money.

What I’m supposed to do with myself then? It seems to me like I’m not suitable for any real career. Yes, I know; I said career is not high on my priorities but maybe it’s because I never found one that would really fit me.

But you know what is high on my priorities? Contribution and being appreciated for my opinions. What can I do about that?