I’m not a role model, am I?

When I started blogging that how I saw it: I wanted to use this platform to somehow give other autistic people guidance on how to live their life and to do that I felt I needed to improve myself first. What happened instead I turned the blog into journal. Is it useful? I don’t know. Some people seem to read it.

Am I a role model? No. I’m not even trying; moreover it seems to me that if I did I’d be lying to my readers and the entire world.

I have suicidal thoughts at least every couple of months and even the fact that I know it’s just my instinct trying to finish the game that doesn’t work for me, doesn’t make me cope much better.

I try not to be horrible to my partner, but I moan to him at least 5 days a week. I don’t even know what it is that I want any more; I’m so far from it I can’t even see it.

When I signed up for uni I didn’t just want to change my life, I wanted to change lives of millions of people who live in care homes that may be not adjusted to their needs. But how do I do that? Universities don’t work like that – they take money from you, provide some information that you have to process and then you get a certificate, that’s it.

Even people who manage to make it work for them (and what I mean here is: they get better career prospects) are not able to change the world. Even Greta didn’t get what she wanted yet.

The blog turned into a safety valve with time. If other people are able to learn from it that’s great but for me it seems the teaching I was trying to provide here is already over.

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