I was typing about it earlier on and I even considered if the problem is possibly that I am in fact bipolar. I mean I keep changing my mind too quickly. And then I suddenly felt like I knew what I wanted to do. I stopped typing and emailed our tutor asking for refund.

The issue is not resolved yet but I’m hoping it will be. How did that all happen again? I mean, I was so happy when I just started and then… I mean, ok, I was on aripiprazole when I applied and one of it’s side effects is making sudden decisions, but I continued being happy with my choice even when I went off it.

Problems started when I read the brief for our first assignment. It was about writing a care plan. ‘Be creative’ the brief stated. ‘Think about what would make staff more likely to reach out for your care plan out of many others they have to read.’ I’m sorry’, I thought. The staff needs to read all the care plans, not only those that look creative. I felt like I didn’t want to write anything in response and I had a few hours meltdown when John told me that I need to answer the question if I want to continue my course or not. It helped at the time but it wasn’t John’s job to calm me down. It was uni staff job to make description accessible for me and that wasn’t done, even though I raised the issue.

The second assignment is to write a blog post ‘for general public’ about language that is being used to discuss dementia. It seemed easy at first, till I read two posts suggested as examples of good work by students from previous years. They are both written in the same overly sophisticated academic language that person with dementia could find difficult to follow.

At the same time we are constantly being told that people with dementia need to be included into our discussion of the condition.

I can’t do that, I’m sorry. Not only University of Hull staff doesn’t seem to see how two-faced they are but also they keep triggering my autistic black and white thinking. That means they didn’t provide adjustments that I’m entitled to under Equality Act.

Only after I asked for my refund I realised how unhappy I was lately; even John noticed that and recently told me to talk to a life coach. But only after I asked for my refund I realised I stopped blogging for this reason alone – I didn’t want to moan. I was hiding my true emotions because I earlier made it clear I was so looking forward to this course.

I wonder if the issue is just with this course on this particular uni or possibly academia just isn’t inclusive.

Also this is a reminder for me that it doesn’t matter how happy something makes me at first; it may still be a mistake.