To believe or not to believe?

I’m just reading ‘Dancing with Dementia’, a book by Christine Bryder, an author and advocate with young onset Alzheimer disease.

Christine says at the beginning of the book that she asked her church group to pray for her shortly after her diagnosis and they did, they specifically decided to pray for her recovery. She was deteriorating quite quickly at first, which could be due to depression, but then started feeling better – she then couldn’t find anyone who would believe that. Even the church friends who prayed for her didn’t believe it.

I’m now wondering how that wasn’t a problem for them. That flexibility of thinking in other people is something that eventually puts me off attending any church and this book is like not so friendly reminder that my disability affects me even more that I normally realise. I’d like to be more spiritual, you know?

Apart from that I feel pretty low again. I don’t have anyone to moan about it though. The Friend, who I broke up with on the blog in August, used to be the person who I would go to when feeling low. I don’t know if that was helping me. It seemed to bring partial relief at first but I wonder whether my brain didn’t treat our chats like a reward. And the thing is, when I felt good about myself or had plans for the future that I wanted to share with her, she wasn’t able to support me with that. Was that jealousy? I’m not sure. It seems to me like first of all she didn’t understand that life can offer opportunities; she only understood the fact that life is source of problems.

She was just a moaning buddy really.

John is supposed to come over today and all I want to do is cancel. But I miss him, you know? And yet I feel like all I want to do is finish my uni assignment and then just lay on the sofa, possibly read the book but first of all I need to reflect on how lonely I am.

I remember how I said a few weeks ago that I stopped grieving after my mum’s death. It did seem at the time like that but the last couple of days I miss her a lot again. I don’t know how I’m going to manage without her.

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