John said he missed me

And those two words made me feel like he really is on my side; like if he’s waiting for me to get better but not pushing for it. You see, communicating with a depressed autistic person is really not that difficult.

He also said I may need to go to doctor. But I don’t want to; it would mean I’m admitting that maybe I really am bipolar. And that would mean I’m turning into my dad.

I don’t even know what is wrong, you know? Probably nothing, it’s just my brain adjusting to all the changes out there. Change is part of life, whether we’re autistic or not and I really don’t understand how come some advocates insisting on providing us with predictable life.

I didn’t get out of the house today (I mean the flat, of course). I felt pretty awful at times. I’m also having another go at intermittent fasting so I didn’t even need to worry about making myself a sandwich. I have another day off tomorrow but then I’m back at work the day after. And the thing is, I know I’ll be ok enough to work, why I’m not ok enough then to make my day off a nice experience? When I ask myself this question the answer that pops into my head is that: because I don’t want to. I feel like being depressed is what I need right now to regulate myself, if that makes sense.

But I’ll try my old trick for days like this: I will sleep on the sofa tonight. We’ll see if that will make me any better. It seemed to work in the past.

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