I keep trying to understand the role of dopamine in developing psychosis. Of course that is unlikely to happen as even scientists don’t understand the connection, they only assume dopamine causes psychosis. But if I’m on medication that reduces effects of dopamine in the brain and dopamine is responsible for brain reward system (at least that’s how I understand it from what I read), will I not become indifferent soon? What if one day I decide I don’t want to go to work any more or do anything at all?

I already reduced the size of my posts. Nah, just kidding, it wasn’t really like that. Let’s not blame dopamine for everything. I just try not to post about work too much and the fact that I study means I don’t have much time to focus on looking for other type of content.

My mood is not too bad today. I did an early shift, then walked home, spent a bit of time polishing my uni assignment and did a few patterns.

I didn’t see John for quite a few weeks, although I don’t remember how many. It was mostly me postponing and cancelling our dates – I wanted to feel lonely. He’s probably the only man in the world who can understand that. And I’m grateful for that.

I keep asking myself if there are any other ways to improve my life satisfaction apart from gratitude practice. It does feel like I could be in a better mood, you know? I am calmer now, when I’m olanzapine, so possibly I should use this to a) further improve my mood through mindfulness and other similar practices b) look for ways to change my life in hope that the mood will follow.

How do I change my life? I’ve been blogging for a year and a half and nothing changed although my levels of self stigma due to bad mental health are significantly reduced. But I’m hoping for more than that.

The truth is, I don’t just want to change my life. I want to change the entire world. I just really do not know how.