The beauty of an empty mind

I’m not sure how I’m going to keep the blog going, although does that really matter when no one really reads it. My mind is totally empty, I’m not sure if it’s olanzapine or the fact I’m now focused on my studies or a bit of both, but I don’t have any content in my mind that I’d like to ‘squeeze out’ on my blog. It’s a beautiful feeling, in a way but I still want to write and share my thoughts with the ‘world’.

Maybe writing poetry would be a solution? What do you think?

Weather is really bad today, but I managed to force myself to the gym and I exercised for 50 minutes. On the way back, while on the bus, I felt really sad. I allowed that feeling and somehow it went away, but after that it seemed so unnatural for me to keep practicing gratitude. I know that I have a lot to be grateful for but at the same time I’d like some things to be different, a lot different. However, practicing gratitude made me realise that I don’t really want any opportunities. In terms of career, as much as I’m aware some people have it better, I suddenly feel I want to be exactly where I am.

I remember I said on the blog that I’d like to be a lived experience speaker. It would be nice of course if people listen, but then… what do I really want to say? How I managed to drag myself into psychosis by chasing something that wasn’t even for me? I think I can only see now how silly that was.

I want to be exactly where I am and if I need to be on tablets to be able to look at life from that perspective, I’m grateful that I found what works for me without too much side effects. Being able to sleep for 9h every night is not a side effect, is it? So I’m grateful to doctors for pursuing the idea that I should try olanzapine on a lower dose.

I’m also grateful for the fact that I have something to eat and can afford to put the heating on. Obviously that reminds me about the war in Ukraine, which I’m not grateful for.

But I’m grateful that Home Group blocked me on twitter. They had no ability to turn my bitterness into anything positive so it’s better this way.

Thank you for those of you who are still with me. And I do apologise for changing direction of my thoughts, but then that’s what this blog is about, isn’t it? To record my thoughts and how they change over time.

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