As I mentioned in my last post, my statistics are really poor lately, they are probably even worse than when I just started blogging but I still have some views on most of the days. As I was thinking about it I realised I am actually looking forward to that moment when I loose all my readers at all. Obviously from the point of view of a person who wants to turn the blog into a career, that wouldn’t be very good, but let’s look at it as an exercise: I will no longer need to worry about how things I say may upset others.
And maybe I shouldn’t, you know? I’m autistic after all, that means I have a disability. Why should I worry about other people opinions of me?
And that is the problem with having a blog, I think: everything on it is for the readers. At first it seems like a good exercise: writing the truth, but in a way that doesn’t upset anybody. It always felt to me like I was mostly passing it. And at times when I didn’t it was because I didn’t think the people in question deserved any better.
And here it comes the time when I ask myself: was the effort I made even worth it? My readers are mostly gone now. It’s almost November, too late to explain to myself that they probably don’t spend any time online because they are on holiday.
I now wonder, can I be more true to myself and write things as I experience them? But then, what things? I’m mostly at home, studying and reading. Also it does seem that olanzapine reduces slightly the depth of my experience.
But I do wonder now how I will feel when I have no views at all for a few subsequent days. Or possibly even weeks. I must say part of me is really looking forward to it. I want to feel the freedom that comes with it; I want to feel like I only just started and don’t know where that will take me.
So if you are the reminding reader of me, can you please abandon me ASAP? I want to feel I have the right to my freedom of speech.