So I decided, at the end, that aripiprazole was not a drug I can stay on. It seemed to make me really good at the beginning but this is long gone now. When I have a good night sleep I am moreless ok, but if I don’t, I just end up walking around my flat mindlessly the entire day, too tired to do a simple washing up but at the same time too energetic to lie down and have some rest.

Olanzapine is at least working, but what I have to deal with on it is: tiredness (it does seem to go away with time), increased appetite (again, it’s not too bad after a few weeks), no libido (that doesn’t go away), pain in my knees that appeared only after a few months of taking it, and higher risk of diabeties, when I’m already at risk due to family history – my mum and 3 of her sisters had diabetes. The only one that didn’t have it was this one that was slim. But how to loose weight if you have increased appetite?

Unless I have my dad’s genes, who was on olanzapine (and multitude of other drugs) and never got diabetes.

But at least I can go to sleep on it, even if I’m stressed and I wake up relaxed so I don’t dwell on things the next day. Also, despite making me a bit tired I still have my creativity and aspirations (which lithium took away from me); I wrote a book on it; never got published which is a shame.

I suppose 5mg, which is half of what I was on previously, is something I could try, but after a few hours of contemplating that I had a meltdown: I felt like I have to get on with this choice for the sake of other people – the psychiatric team and my employer. I was thinking, there’s so many of those less popular antipsychotic drugs I didn’t try yet, maybe I’d find something that would work better? But the problem with this approach is that I’d need like a month to see if a drug is right for me because not all the side effects become apparent straight away. Aripiprazole is the worst disappointment here.

So, if I’m not lucky I could as well be still at home in a year time. And if you think not working is fun for someone with autism and mental health problems, you are mistaken. Also it’s not clear my employer will want to wait for me that long; I presume they may not and it will be difficult to blame them and then what with my uni and research?

Still, I don’t feel like I’m quite ready to accept the compromise. I wonder whether unsympathetic attitude from doctors in Poland may be what plays a part here – now, when I feel supported, I suddenly want to go into a protest mode.

I do hope that by the end of the weekend (it’s Saturday morning) I will come to terms with those difficult feelings. Maybe it won’t be that bad after all? If my dose reduces in half, some side effects may not affect me at all; let’s hope.