When I saw John a few days ago he said he’d bake me a cake for my birthday, which is at the end of December. I immediately loved that idea and we started browsing through recipes. John loves cooking but I always had the idea he spends a bit too much time browsing through recipes, you know? And the idea of him baking me a birthday cake completely changed my perception. I mean, I’ll know that next time when he’s browsing it’s because he wants to take care of me.

Mind you, he only started baking a few months ago so I don’t expect the cake to be decorated in a sophisticated way and I did make it clear that he shouldn’t be making it difficult for himself. Yet, I expected that cake to be somehow special without having any specific ideas about it.

Initially I really enjoyed the idea and it made me feel looked after. I am not sure if, during our relationship, we actually spent my birthday together. I was born in a very difficult time between Christmas and New Year and as we are both autistic, we understand the importance of spending time apart, especially during such a busy period and I’d rather spend Christmas and New Year with John, as those are when everyone else is celebrating. Mind you, I’m used to the fact that my birthday gets forgotten by pretty much everyone, so I don’t really care that much and I am happy with the fact that John always remembered to send me birthday wishes via email. Yet, suddenly, the idea of having my own birthday cake baked by my lovely fiancé made me feel such an excitement! I’ll get treated on my birthday, the same like everyone else!

Unfortunately, after around 24h I started feeling very anxious about it but I didn’t know why. I am fairly flexible with my food choices and if I have any dislikes I’ll communicate them to John clearly so that he knew what not to cook for me. I had the understanding that I expected the cake to be somehow special, without knowing what it means for me, and I was getting worried that I’d end up disappointed.

I also realised that I had similar issue in my previous relationship: when my partner was getting ready to go shopping and I asked him for a specific treat and it then turned out that it wasn’t in stock and he got me something else instead that I was normally happy to eat, I felt like my world was falling apart! I was aware my emotional reaction made no sense but I couldn’t control it. Finally I came up with this solution that I’d give him detailed list of what I want in case if other items on the list are not available, like ‘could you please get me A and if A is not available then get me B and if that is also not available then C but if none of this is available then get me nothing at all because I’d rather have nothing than things I don’t fancy at the moment’. That helped me cope because I was prepared but it didn’t really give me happiness, you know?

So I was very concerned that I’m starting to have the same reaction to John’s birthday cake idea. I also realised I never was like this when mum or a friend got me a treat that wasn’t exactly what I wanted so it probably wasn’t about the food but about the fact that I didn’t learn how to cope with minor disappointments in relationships.

The standard advice for autistics would be to either give up on the idea of birthday cake completely or to choose recipe together so that I’d know in advance what I am getting but that feels to me as if I have to give up on the feeling of being looked after.

So I decided I need to sort out this issue somewhow and I was pretty sure that if I realise why I’m like that things will naturally improve.

It did take me a few days to work this sh*t out and I was initially thinking it had something to do with the fact that I was brought up in communism where food choices were extremely limited and people were constantly saying that in Western Europe and US you can go to the shop and find ABSOLUTELY EVERYTHING there. So when I see that I still can’t get EVERYTHING, despite of having loads of choices, I get disappointed. The explanation made sense on the face value but I didn’t feel satisfied with it, it seemed to me there is something else going on there.

And now I finally know: you know those stories about happy couples you can read sometimes in magazines? You sometimes get to read there how the man got the woman a surprise and it was ‘exactly what she wanted’ and it made her ‘so happy’. So that means that a woman is in a happy relationship if her partner is able to get into her head and decide information that he founds there. And if a man I love is unable to do that, it means our relationship is not good at all.

And who knows, maybe those women weren’t even telling the truth? They were just ‘investing in the relationship’, because if their man will read such a positive statement about his efforts, he will feel appreciated and will want to make even more effort. That’s what neurotypical women do instead of analysing their fiance on a public blog.