Yesterday evening, after I was made to think about how I will feel if a resident displays challenging behaviour, I at some point told myself ‘this is just a job, you need to keep emotionally detached’ – I tried that thinking for a couple of minutes but finally realised that all I’m doing is trying to fit myself into a concept that I know, and this is what I know, while I know nothing about ‘give all your heart and don’t think about tomorrow’, which would be considered very naive, wouldn’t it? But possibly this is what I want to do, I want to allow myself to be naive sometimes.

Because, possibly, naive is who I am deep in my heart but I don’t allow myself to express it anywhere as I’m worried about being taken advantage of. But with people with dementia, if they one day decide I kidnapped them and keep them in the care home against their will, I will know it’s a result of their illness and not me being too kind with them, so possibly I will find it easy to move on and continue to be as kind as I can be.

Due to being autistic I am naturally non judgemental and very forgiving, although at times I can get very stubborn and find it impossible to forgive, even if it would be the best course of action. But I also transfer behaviours learned in one setting to another, whether they are a good fit there or not. And I’m thinking now, what if I become so forgiving with residents that I’ll later forget to stand up for myself in a situation outside of work when someone is taking advantage of me, or possibly with a colleague?

I sometimes really wish life was easier.

Oh, BTW, I need to tell you about the situation with John. So, around two weeks ago, I wrote on the blog that I don’t know if our relationship will survive. I didn’t mean anything specific by that and we certainly weren’t going through any problems. I thought I made it clear that what I meant was I just can never sense what is happening; it seems to me I can never see where a long term relationship is going and that was all I meant.

However, John read it and become very concerned; he thought that I’m implying he’s hiding something from me and reassured me that if he has a problem with our relationship, he’ll tell me.

But people don’t always talk when they feel dissatisfied with someone, do they? Sometimes they’ll just plodding on and on waiting to see how the situation is going to unfold and if problems dissappear by themselves. If they do, it will be a sign for them that the relationship is worth investing in, if they don’t, it’s a sign that things need ending. That’s what I was doing with my first partner so at least I know why people wouldn’t talk about their problems. Or at least not in a specific way that allows one to address them.

But this is what I think, you know? If we’re in a relationship, we shouldn’t be ‘addressing problems’ because that creates an expectation to act a certain way in order to satisfy us, which is not fair. However, expressing our dissatisfaction through arguments is ok because that gives the other person feedback about how we feel regarding certain behaviour and they can then modify it by themselves; or not. If they choose not to, that will mean our opinion and feelings are not important to them and therefore we may need to reconsider if we want to be in this relationship or not.

I am not telling you to follow the above in your relationships. Quite possibly I have it all wrong, who knows; I’m autistic after all. I am also aware what I just said is very different to what is being advised by therapists and relationship coaches, while I’m just a blogger. The above is also not an advice, it is only a description of how I think.