This is an overdue post, I do apologise. But maybe it will make more sense now, when it looks like I’m actually recovering.

So basically, when my psychiatric nurse was leaving, which was around two months ago, she said she’d send a letter to my GP asking them to prescribe my olanzapine. I received the copy of it and it said that I’m not happy to take olanzapine long term. I really didn’t like this wording. My nurse was always very supportive of me taking it only as required but then it looked like she didn’t want to be assertive with my surgery and that made me look like I’m some kind of difficult patient. She was already gone by the time I read the letter so I couldn’t discuss that with her. Although even if I could, it would put her in a very difficult situation if I requested her to write another one.

A few days later I received a phone call from my surgery and was told GP wants to discuss the letter so we arranged a telephone appointment but I didn’t take the call when the phone rang because I was expecting the doctor to be patronising with me.

I wasn’t taking olanzapine for a few weeks already and I was coping, but with starting a new job things got a bit stressful during the first week. I really didn’t know what to expect and even though I liked it, I was still worried. I had 5h of sleep per night at the most. It’s still possible to cope with this amount of sleep, it’s just that life is not very pleasant, but I was worried that things can get worse so I went to my mental health provider straight after work one day and ask to see my new nurse. She didn’t have an appointment at the time so she came after a few minutes and we spoke briefly in the reception.

She was quite pleasant but I think meetings with her will be more official than with my previous nurse. Anyway, I asked her for prescription for either olanzapine or zopiclone and she said for zopiclone I’d first need to make an appointment with psychiatrist, which I should make anyway as I didn’t have one for quite a long time (I think it was over a year) and if I want olanzapine I need to ask at my surgery.

I didn’t know how to explain that I didn’t like how the letter about olanzapine was written – while sitting there, talking to a nurse I didn’t know, my problem with the wording seemed so insignificant that I just didn’t say anything.

After I left I was wondering what I should do. I couldn’t imagine life without olanzapine but at the same time I didn’t want to be patronised about the fact I don’t take it long term, so I decided I have no choice but to recover. I didn’t quite know how but I remembered that when I got my second episode I had a very strong impression that it went so bad because I spent the entire time off work at home dwelling on the stressful events and I was thinking later on that if I instead went out and do stuff, things could have been better. So I thought that’s what I have to do: go out and do fun stuff. So after this impromptu appointment I went home, changed and went for a trip to Oxford. I was there around 5pm so a bit late, but not too late to have dinner, so that’s what I did, and I chose a really nice restaurant for that.

I was also went for a few coffees and a cider for the next couple of days after that while at the same time I started doing Sleep School course all over again. Now, a week later, I can say it looks like I’m recovering. It took a few days for all of this to work but I had 7h of sleep the previous night and 9h the last one!

Anyway, I believe it was all set up by my mental health provider – I think in procedures and unfortunately the procedure that mental health system sets up is to take medication when one is not feeling well. They can’t deny me olanzapine so they manipulated me into not wanting it.

Anyway, it does look like it’s working. Although I’m still not sure how I’m going to cope if I have a really stressful life event. I guess I need to talk about it with my psychiatric nurse. I wonder what she will say.

Another interesting thing is that days off are represented on our work rota as RD. I asked what that means and it stands for Rest Day. Isn’t that smart? It makes me think now what it actually means for me to rest, while when it was represented as OFF in my previous workplace it only meant I’m not at work on that day.

It also makes me think I shouldn’t be taking overtime if it’s my rest day. I hope I’ll be OK with that because unfortunately the cost of living is going up and prices of energy will go up again in October and then once again in January. I really do hope my salary is going to be enough to heat my flat during the winter. But for now I’m fine so maybe I shouldn’t worry too much in advance. I coped with so many issues in my life, I should be OK with this one, let’s hope.

I’m on my Rest Day today so I guess I’ll go for a long visit to the gym and maybe cook something nice for dinner. Like polar bear casserole. Do you think that sounds like a plan?