1. My new care coordinator called today and she was lovely. When I use the word ‘lovely’ I don’t mean it the way non autistic people use it; for me referring this way to someone I just met is a sophisticated insult; I do apologise.

She had a beautiful voice, so beautiful she could easily work in telesales, and she asked a couple of questions about my life, for example what I’ve been doing recently – a friend is visiting me and we go to places together, I responded reluctantly.

A good friend? – she asked.

It was very difficult to focus on making the conversation when all I was thinking about was how not to say what I really had in mind… ‘It’s not your f***ing business!’ or possibly, more politely ‘You are a stranger; you’re not supposed to ask those questions, and anyway, I thought it would be obvious to you I’d not invite in someone who I don’t consider a good friend.’

I had the idea for a while I won’t get on very well with her but then, when she didn’t try to arrange an appointment straight away – she’s going on annual leave next week and suggested she’ll contact me when she’s back, I thought, maybe it won’t be too bad.

Fingers crossed. I wouldn’t go as far as saying I miss my previous psychiatric nurse but our relationship was special to me in a way and I feel like it will be difficult to replace that with somebody else, but maybe it will happen eventually.

2. I told John yesterday about how I commented on Nationwide’s Mutual Respect Grant on my blog and he said he didn’t read that yet. I was a bit surprised. He was claiming he doesn’t read my blog.

Very confusing.

3. The Friend is leaving tomorrow. I must say it was difficult for me at first not to post about various things we talked about and how my interpretation would be different to her but I adjusted after a few days. However, as I was still focused on her I found it almost impossible to create content for my blog. As a result I’m now looking forward to go back to my normal routine where I can start my day with a cup of coffee and a blog post.

4. I am reading ‘People Skills’ by Neil Thompson, British author. I’m just going through chapter about assertiveness. I must say I am slightly disappointed with lack of examples; it is sometimes difficult to understand what an assertive behaviour really is, but at least Mr Thompson admits that assertive communication may not really work for members of working class as aggressive communication style is more valued there.

Mr Thompson also states that ‘Personal relationships become more authentic and satisfying when we share our true reactions with other people’ and I now wonder if that applies to the conversation with my new care coordinator. What do you think? Should I have told her she’s stranger to me and I’m not going to answer any of her questions?

I now feel like I should ask for a new care coordinator already as me not being assertive during the first conversation ruined everything forever.

Being autistic is not easy at all!

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