Have you grown up or given up?

1. It was just yesterday that I’ve become aware of the above quote by Danny Rowland, The Pavement Poet. He apparently travels a lot within the UK or even abroad to write his poetry on pavements. I wonder now if he has a good life? It certainly seems like he is a free spirit.

I also wonder what the quote means. It always seemed to me that giving up (on your dreams, for example) is part of growing up and in here Danny presents totally different perspective. It does seem to me, however, that I can apply it to my blogging experience – to continue blogging I need to accept that not everyone will like what I say or even that some people will not understand it. So I need to either grow up or give up and stop blogging.

2. Me and The Friend are trying to organise my clothes today – I have loads of them, I tell you. But I wear the same things over and over because I can never find what I want. Some of the things became too tight over the last couple of years and I feel like I need to update you on my weight loss journey. Well… I think it was February when I decided I need to loose weight but didn’t manage anything and instead I put on another 5kg around Easter – I lost 3.5kg out of that so far.

I can see that I find it much, much easier to say no to food now; I especially appreciate it now as me and The Friend were always like The Eating Crew – she appreciates food even more than me so I felt that I had a good excuse when I ate cakes in her company.

This time things really changed: I was initially tempted to overeat when she first came over, but I’m fine now.

Also, do you remember my 3 Biscuits Rule? A while ago I realised that when I have biscuits with tea or coffee I want 3 of them only because 3 means to me that I don’t have to deny myself anything, so that’s probably an autistic thing. I then started buying biscuits that are small and thin so that I could have 3 of them in one go without feeding myself too many calories, however after like 2 weeks I was ok to go down to two, and then only one without feeling deprived. Mind you, I believe that could only happen because I understood the reason behind that behaviour.

I also eat smaller portions now, or just have a salad (as long as it’s not straight from the fridge) so I definitely reduced calories and yet the weight loss is eluding me. I am wondering what could be the reason behind that? Possibly stress? Increased cortisol, the stress hormone, causes difficulties with loosing weight and I in fact don’t feel very happy for months now. But then, what is the solution? Going back to my old eating habits? That’s what I would think a few years ago but now I know this is a symptom of FOMO.

So instead of eating cakes I just tell myself that I deserve to be proud of myself for changing my eating habits and as long as I keep it up, I will eventually loose weight.

Oh, mind you, I’m not hungry despite eating less. If I was, that would be a problem.

3. I feel generally quite low. I’m hoping that starting my new job will help here. I do think it is probably because I cannot adjust to my new family situation. I spoke with my neighbour from Smardzewice and he said my brother keeps drinking. I tried to call my brother too but his mobile is always off. I wonder if, possibly, he decided, topping it up his credit is too much trouble and he’d rather spend his money on alcohol.

I would really like if my connection with my past was more positive. I would also like if people who are close to me were successful and happy because that means to me that achieving success and happiness is easy, so I can also have it. If they are not happy I think that successful and happy life must be very difficult to achieve so I am unlikely to manage it too.

So yes, I feel low and depleted of energy.

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