I didn’t post for a couple of days because The Friend is here and she’s keeping me busy. That is a quick update:
1. The Friend complained she didn’t like me being calculating during that conversation we had a few weeks ago when I requested her to take me of my speech therapy. She said, if I didn’t like something, I should have addressed it without being calculating. It feels so upsetting for me that people, even those who know me well, don’t understand that I cannot do that. My natural behaviour is to do nothing, but unfortunately I learned over the years that if I do nothing, the behaviour that I don’t like continues, so I now know that I have to do something, but I never quite know what, that’s why I spend time planning.
It does seem to me now that the fact I’m planning my reaction makes people think that I’m nasty and can’t be trusted. I really do not know where they take that from.
2. Two days ago I did my last shift in that medium size care home in a village near Swindon. I was actually offered some more shifts but decided I have to have time off to be able to go on trips with The Friend. I was very surprised when in the evening of the day of my last shif I realised I started getting attached to the residents. It would be nice to go back there at some point.
3. John brought home made quiche and a tart yesterday for all of us to eat yesterday. They were very nice and I do appreciate his effort. Or maybe it was tart and a flan? Or flan and a quiche? I’m really confused now.
4. John was browsing through small coffee machines online today in the morning; he was kind of suggesting it is for me but once in a while he would say I don’t need one if I’m not into real coffee. He is into real coffee but before I broke up with him in January he was happy to drink instant. Then, when we decided to give our relationship another go, he said he doesn’t like instant. I felt guilty so I started making him real coffee in a little cafetiere I had. It takes a few minutes to brew and then the cafetiere needs washing and I find it somehow annoying now. I was thinking how to get John to drink instant coffee again but didn’t come up with any plan yet. And now he made me think that if I try to break up with him again, I’d have to buy one of those machines if I want him back.
I need to be very careful and make an effort to look for other ways to deal with my frustration, if I ever experience any. Relationships are not easy, are they?
5. The last time I was going to work by taxi, the taxi driver said it looks like it’s going to rain and he has his laundry on the line, so he needs to rush home to bring it in. I then immediately pictured his house, garden and a wife. That’s how things work in this world, usually, which is a stereotype but this is exactly what non autistic people do – they use stereotypes to work out people they don’t know well.
That was a massive improvement for me from a few months ago when I wouldn’t be able to imagine anything about a stranger and therefore I’d assume they disappear when I can’t see them. However, that improvement presented another challenge: what I wanted to say in response was ‘Can your wife not bring it in?’. It was 7am, most people are at home at this time, although obviously not everyone. I just used the stereotype again to imagine what his wife is doing, if he had one.
I quickly realised, thank god, that saying that could be seen as a desperate attempt to find myself a man, so I only said ‘maybe I won’t be that bad’ which was exactly what I would have said a few months ago when I wasn’t able to imagine that a stranger can even have a wife, a house with a garden and laundry to dry. So why I’m making all this effort if the final results are the same?
I then talked about this situation with The Friend and she said the same question about the wife would also come to her mind but she wouldn’t say that because the fact that taxi driver said he has to rush home means there’s no one there. Strangely enough, this explanation, as straightforward as it is, didn’t appear in my mind at all!
Anyway I really do hope that all taxi drivers in Swindon are happily married.
6. Me and The Friend are having a nice day out. We only just finished lunch in Nandos and came to Wetherspoon for pudding. It’s fairly sunny today but not very hot. Most people are still wearing t-shirts; I’m wearing a t-shirt, a cardigan and a rain jacket.