Just to remind you: ‘Magda shaped hole’ is a situation where I have to make a decision, and it doesn’t necessarily have to be a big one, but I’m unable to weight my options, which happens quite often, unfortunately. What I then tend to do is, I rely on information from the environment, that means if I know that someone wants me to do something, I do it and I believe that everything will be well as a result. It’s like I’m fitting myself into Magda shaped hole.
And then, unfortunately, things don’t go exactly how I expected them, or maybe there are some difficulties, even temporary, that I didn’t anticipate, or maybe I’m just simply not as respected as I thought I would be for making that decision, and I feel manipulated.
And it can be something really small, like deciding if I should take extra shift at work. Yes, I’m tired and I don’t need extra money but I want to be helpful and respected. And it is already too difficult for me to decide what I want to do.
I asked Professor Baron-Cohen in November last year why I used to always say yes to extra shifts at work, despite being tired and not needing extra money and he said it’s because autistic people have problems with communication. I presume he meant I’m not assertive enough.
And that is, what is bothering me. Scientists are constantly getting us wrong. I also worked out some other problems that we’re having. And I have no idea what to do with that; it seems like no one is interested. I can scream at Professor Baron-Cohen at the top of my lungs and he won’t even look at things from my perspective. Mind you, when I was being nice, he wasn’t interested either.
My WordPress plan will be renewed in 30 days, so it feels to me like I should make my decision: do I want to keep blogging? It seems like blogging is making me feel better short term, I mean, after I publish a post I feel so accomplished; it is also a nice creative outlet in general and I was always moaning that my life is not interesting enough.
But the thing is, when I decided to start blogging, almost exactly a year ago (I first used a different platform to WordPress, in case dates don’t add up to you) I didn’t expect I’d work out my own thinking process. I thought, actually, that working out how an autistic mind works is not possible.
And now I feel like it wasn’t meant to be like that. I didn’t think that I’d find myself in a situation where I have insight that no one is interested in.
I don’t know what to do with this, especially now, when I will be starting a new job. I am aware that if I don’t renew my plan and the blog will stop existing, I may eventually regret it, because it will be like it never existed.
‘Magda shaped hole’ is not available, that means no one is telling me to keep blogging and that they think my posts are great. It seems like the opposite is happening: not many people are interested in my insight. Therefore it seems like I should stop. The opposite to Magda shaped hole. How do I make my choice?