I did read a couple of times that other autistics think in images, so I thought I’d do a post on how I see my thinking process. I don’t think in images, although when I’m looking for something, I may see this thing in my mind in the place where I was using it the last time, but that’s about it.

My mind is constantly producing words, but I don’t feel like the words are my real thoughts, they don’t seem to represent my real state of mind, if that makes sense. It seems to me that those words are just a coping strategy; that my brain realised when I was a child that people are using words to communicate so it’s trying to produce me some, so that I have them, in case I needed to speak up. They may not make that much sense at times, but then, does what other people say always make sense?

It seems to me that I think in instinct and I’d describe instinct as primitive form of emotions; I don’t use them to bond with people but rather to avoid certain experiences while being drawn to others.

Right now it seems to me like I am scared. I made contact with NICE (National Institute for Health and Care Excellence) public involvement team yesterday. At first that lifted my mood almost immediately, but now I think, what am I putting myself in?

The person I was speaking with seemed really keen to talk to me, which makes me think they are desperate to involve more autistic people and it seems like I should go for it, but at the same time it feels like it’s too much for me. And I’d probably need to be in regular contact with professor Baron-Cohen, which is not what I want to do. I’ll have a chat with one of their staff on Monday afternoon but I must say I’m hoping I’ll get rejected. Then obviously nothing will be my fault and I can remain a miserable blogger.

I don’t quite know why I react this way, instead of seeing it as an opportunity? Possibly just because it’s new and I don’t know anything about it? But that’s how I often see my instinct: as preventing me from taking up new challenges. It makes more sense to me to stay where I am even if I’m dissatisfied.

The other thing is that I can’t decide if I should expect John to change or not. I’m not even thinking right now how I will get him to change or how I’ll communicate that’s what I want, it feels to me that if I decide I want it, it will happen. But then I know that’s not how life really works, so I feel confused and don’t know what to do.

The last paragraph made me realise I probably also think in procedures: I decide I want something and therefore it happens. If life was as simple as that.