I did read a couple of times that some autistics think in images, so I thought I’d do a post on how I see my thinking process. I don’t think in images, although when I’m looking for something, I may see that thing in my mind in the place where I was using it the last time, but that’s about it.

My mind is constantly producing words, but I don’t feel like the words are my real thoughts. It seems to me that those words are just a coping strategy. As if my brain realised that people are using words to communicate so it’s trying to produce me some, so that I have them, in case I need to speak up. Those words may not make that much sense at times, but then do other people always make sense?

It seems to me that I think in instinct and I’d describe instinct as primitive form of emotions; I don’t use them to bond with people but rather to avoid certain experiences while being drawn to others.

Right now it seems to me like I am scared. I made contact with NICE (National Institute for Health and Care Excellence) public involvement team yesterday. At first that lifted my mood almost immediately, but now I think, what am I putting myself into?

The person I was speaking with seemed really keen to talk to me, which makes me think they are desperate to involve more autistic people and it seems like I should go for it, but at the same time it feels as if it’s too much for me. And I’d probably need to be in regular contact with professor Baron-Cohen, which is not what I want to do. I’ll have a chat with one of their staff in a few days but I must say I’m hoping I’ll get rejected. Then obviously nothing will be my fault and I can remain a miserable blogger.

I don’t quite know why I react this way, instead of seeing it as an opportunity? Possibly just because it’s new and I don’t know anything about it? But that’s how I often see my instinct: as preventing me from taking up new challenges. It makes more sense to me to stay where I am even if I’m dissatisfied.

The other problem I have at the moment is that I can’t decide if I should expect John to change or not. I’m not even thinking right now about how I will get him to change or how I’ll communicate that’s what I want, it feels to me that if I decide I want it, it will happen. But then I know that’s not how life really works, so I feel confused and don’t know what to do.

The last paragraph made me realise I probably also think in procedures: I decide I want something and therefore it happens. If life was as simple as that.