Yesterday I asked John what he thinks about my ‘meeple quest theory’, which, I believe is the reason for him cutting our dates short: he sees himself as being based in his house and coming for a date with me is a quest that he completes. As hanging around for social reasons doesn’t make sense to him, our dates are rather short. Normally it doesn’t bother me too much, but sometimes it does and I think I expected things would change after we got engaged.

John didn’t respond for over an hour, which for him is long, and finally said he can’t confirm anything at the moment. But I bet even if he recognised himself in that theory it wouldn’t change anything. This is an instinctive need and we can’t reason with it, not only because he’s autistic. The entire human population will turn to manipulation when their instinctive needs are being challenged, this is just how it is.

Anyway, at some point during our conversation John mentioned that he’d like to eat something ‘not smothered in gravy’ and suddenly my usual desire to communicate in friendly and supportive way with him seemed to me like I’m suffocating myself, so I told him off after a bit of thinking. I then realised that I only react this way (I mean, responding to ‘notifications’) when I have a problem that I don’t do anything about.

So I started asking myself what that problem is, and you know what? I have absolutely no idea. I picked up a statement that I hear very often in talks about autism, which is ‘I feel overwhelmed’ and I tried to fit everything into it, but it doesn’t feel right to me at all.

It seems to me like I want to feel abandoned. I get like that sometimes, without any obvious reason at all. And that’s why the concept of discussing needs openly doesn’t make much sense. If I ask John for a few days off from any interaction, I will not get abandoned, so my need won’t get met.

I literally want to be in a situation where there’s nothing around me on social level. Like, let’s say, I reach out to people and there will be nothing there, no interaction, no support. Like if everyone disappeared. Absolute emotional vacuum.

But how do I get there without ruining everything that is good in my life? I do not know.

I have the idea that I’d like to be dumped. I could then be abandoned and when I process it and feel better about myself, I could reach out to John, be nice to him, apologise for whatever and promise I’m going to change and we will be back together. So I would get my needs met without making it look like anything is my fault.

Also I don’t feel great in general. I don’t know if it’s possible that all the emotions and confusion are making me feel this way or if possibly there is something actually wrong with my health.