Normally I am ok with being on my own. Sometimes when John comes over I can still spend an hour or two doing my patterns. I’m actually quite happy with him being in the same room without much interaction, I think I may sometimes prefer it. I’d like him to be around more though, but he seems to be confused about that and goes back home before lunch on Sunday, even though he only came over on Saturday afternoon.

This weekend we were meant to meet on Saturday evening (yesterday) and go to a food festival today, which would mean we spend more time together than usual. However, I wasn’t feeling well yesterday so we rescheduled to meeting today in the morning. I was hoping that after the food festival he’d come to my flat for a bit to hang out but I didn’t even ask him about it and when he asked if I’m OK with him going home straight after dropping me back, I said yes. I kind of knew it made no sense to insist; he already made up his mind.

I used to think that was a routine thing; you know, in his house he has his coffee machine, his bread maker, his waffle maker and even his PC (it’s 2022 now, yes). But now I’m not that sure. Something really doesn’t make sense with this explanation: when we go on holiday, he doesn’t care about any routine; he’s as happy as Larry drinking an instant coffee every morning if that’s the only thing that our guesthouse has to offer and he’s not stressed about lack of access to his PC. You would think that if it was a routine thing, he’d get really stressed after just a few days away from home, but he’s perfectly fine.

I’m wondering now if the issue is possibly due to the fact that he sees himself as a meeple (that’s how I see myself when I am confused) and he just believes that he belongs into his house. He doesn’t know how to assess our relationship, maybe he gets confused with me being focused on myself when he is around, maybe he doesn’t know what to do with himself then and the solution is to go back. Because that’s where he belongs, like in a board game: after he got what he came for he needs to go back to his house and wait there for another date, like if it was a quest. While when on holiday he mentally allocates himself to his new location for the entire time.

Or maybe he is just one of those autistic people who always see themselves as separate from everyone in their social circle? Unless, possibly, one day he will meet somebody who is exactly like him? But then, if he meets this person, will they be able to connect at all?