So I saw my psychiatric nurse the last time yesterday. I gave her that basic card and small box of Polish chocolates. On the card I wrote this message: Thank you for all the support I received from you. I will always remember your kindness and dedication. Good luck in your new job.

Kindness and dedication – have you noticed that neurotypicals like to say the same message twice, using different words? So I decided to do that too a few years back. After a while I can actually say that it makes more sense to me, it feels like I’m creating a pattern: pattern of appreciation, pattern of apology, you know what I mean. It is difficult for me to gather though how this is being seen, but I doubt it could be considered rude.

My nurse told me, and she repeated that twice, that she only told me I’m having delusions because I told her I felt delusional, not because of what I actually thought about my situation. It sounded to me, again, like if she was hinting that yes, I am on a speech and language therapy delivered through community. I should have actually asked her if that’s what she meant but she probably had an answer prepared for that too to keep me in the loop.

I must say I am getting more and more irritated by that, but no one is listening to what I think. I presume this could be because they somehow assessed that the therapy is working. I guess it was, and I improved my communication skills a lot during the last year and 3 months, but that was also because I was finding this thing beneficial and interesting. The last couple of weeks I see it as irritating and the main source of stress in my life. That’s not very nice, is it? I’m not working, and yet, I’m stressed like hell.

But if direct communication that the thing is not working for me is getting ignored – which is btw what neurotypicals do very often – possibly it’s time to show that it stopped working. How? I presume by being overly direct and abrupt again. Which is how I used to be a couple of years ago. Let’s reverse all that positive changes I made, shall we?

I’m now wondering, how can I start? I don’t get to see loads of people lately.