I think I recovered

Around a week ago I posted on my blog that I decided to recover from my mental health issues and that thought was triggered totally by the doctor decreasing the amount of olanzapine on my prescription. And guess what? I think I did. Funny thing, isn’t it?

As you may know I had two psychotic episodes caused by stress, overthinking and insomnia. After that I was left with that state that I call ‘triggered’ or ‘amygdala hijack’; very unpleasant sensation in the head with loads of racing thoughts – that would happen every time when I was going through a stressful situation or even just a situation that requires loads of thinking. Once it even happened just because I was thinking about how it happened before.

It put me in a very tricky situation because I normally use overthinking to understand situations I am in, to make up for my limited social imagination. If I can’t do it, I will become more clueless which is not a good situation to be in at all.

Around a week ago I didn’t collect my olanzapine because pharmacy was being very slow, so I got annoyed and left. That was consistent with my decision to recover so I was actually looking forward to see how I will cope, and knowing I’m not working at the moment, I wasn’t too worried about any negative consequences. I knew psychotic episode doesn’t start in an instant so I was aware that I could come back for the meds the next day, or even a bit later, if I realised I am getting worse.

During that time I had loads of things to think about; mostly the situation in the radio and realising that I had to leave, but also general future of my blog, how the situation with Home Group can evolve (I doubt they’d be quiet forever, but then they were quiet till know, so it all doesn’t make any sense).

I spent loads and loads of time going through various scenarios in my head and I was absolutely fine with that. The overthinking occasionally put me into mini-trance state when I wasn’t able to do anything apart from being taken over by my thoughts, but there was nothing scary about that and after around 30 minutes or so the thinking eased, even though I didn’t find a solution I was looking for.

So I presume, if I didn’t develop psychosis by now, I should be free from the risk of it? I bet, however, there’s no research on it, and possibly I may need some medication at least when I’m going abroad, when access to medical professionals who know me will not be possible, because you know, we can never predict what is going to happen in the world and recent events in Ukraine are just another, very painful reminder of that. I really do not know how I would cope if I find myself in a situation like that; but that’s different – for now, when I know I’m safe, I consider myself recovered.

I will think later about how to deal with what may go wrong. Yet another thing on my list to overthink, beautiful, isn’t it?

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