I asked my psychiatric nurse to add to my file that I don’t want to identify myself as autistic any more.
Initially I wanted to ask her to get my diagnosis removed, but then I thought that would look like if I didn’t have it at all, and that would not be reflection of the truth, plus it can cause some issues in the future, if people will start experiencing me to behave like neurotypical again. So I guess a note that I was diagnosed with autism but I don’t identify with it any more will be appropriate reflection of how I see myself. It’s funny, actually, that just a bit less than a year ago I chose ‘autistic and me’ as the name for my blog; I didn’t realise it at the time, I only chose it because all other names I checked has been taken, but I feel like the name reflects who I am: it seems I’m autistic and not autistic at the same time.
There is this trend in autistic community that stresses the fact that ‘we’re all autistic’, and what I’m supposed to do if I don’t agree with it? Why it’s ok for people to choose to have fluid gender but fluid neurodiversity is a problem?
I really feel like in some situations I understand people very well, the general human being is what I’m very familiar with; it’s only when you add the personality of individuals that I can’t predict how they will behave. And what I’m supposed to do with that? Deny myself this ability only to fit in better with the autistic community, the same way that I spend years on trying to fit in with neurotypicals?
The other thing is that having the awarness of being autistic makes me feel like I should improve. But I can’t. I only think that I do, but I don’t. I get obsessed about little details of what people said and how, and what it all means, and it gives me impression that one day I’ll get it. Before the diagnosis I thought I’d work out how to get on with people; now I think I’ll work out what they think.
I am fed up with that. I spend hours trying to understand what I don’t understand. And it takes me nowhere. I want this funkiest label off me right now. I just want to be myself.