I need a change of scenery

1. Me and John decided yesterday that it will be better if I don’t go to Poland for the time being. I am quite worried about the war in Ukraine, maybe not necessarily that Putin is going to attack other countries (although who knows with him? I wouldn’t count on him being logical and down to earth) but I worry about getting stressed and various disruptions.

John said that Putin can attack UK as well as Poland but then I think, in case the war spreads, I’d rather be where I am. It is quite difficult to think about it this way but my home is here now.

2. However, I feel like I need a change of scenery. I don’t know what to do about that and wonder if a day trip to Oxford would be sufficient. I may go and check next week, if the weather gets better.

I am surprised to realise how much my yearly (or sometimes twice yearly) visists home were helping me to recharge my batteries, even despite of my difficult family situation.

3. Yesterday I went to the library and came across a book about people who live in wagons and on boats and about their houses. I thought that was very cute. I was considering for a bit to get a wagon myself but later on realised that I didn’t see toilet, bathroom and heating discussed anywhere in a book. That’s quite confusing, isn’t it? It’s like if the author wanted to glamorise this way of living instead of being straightforward about its challenges.

4. I feel very tired again and slightly triggered. I think it was my patterns that did it – doing them requires loads of effort, although I can’t quite explain how it works because I’m certainly not planning for anything and if I try to force any specific outcome I end up with something that is not very pretty. But still, I need to be very focused on what I’m doing and after I finish I see flashbacks of images in my head for hours and I find it quite stressful.

But then why I’m doing them, someone could ask – because this is exactly what I always wanted to achieve in art, I just didn’t know it. I’m after that complex relationship between shapes and lines – I would sometimes create an abstract painting and there was nothing wrong with it – I mean if I saw a similar one by a different artist I’d like if, but because it was mine I was not happy, I felt something was missing from it. So I would start adding various details and ended up ruining it.

Obviously now I know that the level of complexity I was after would never be possible to be achieved in traditional art. Still, I hope things will get a bit easier for me because I won’t be able to cope long term with this level of stress and images flashing in my head.

5. I need to prepare some questions for a chat for my part of the radio programme. Mr Flux, the mental health champion for Swindon, didn’t respond to my message, so I’ll be talking to a lady who’s mum to an autistic volunteer in the radio. He records loads of our ads and he’s very good at it. To be honest I’d rather talk to her than Mr Flux. Shirley said that Mr Flux is ‘very friendly’ and ‘wants to use the station to promote his job’ – what that means for me is ‘very well spoken despite not having anything to say, will force his bullshit on presenters in a way that will make them agree to anything as otherwise they’ll look like arguing’. I wonder if I’m getting it wrong? Maybe I am, but then my blog is about how I understand social situations and that is exactly the interpretation that comes to my mind.

It’s strange though that I have any interpretation at all, and don’t just take ‘friendly’ as ‘friendly’. Possibly being 44 I am aware that people sometimes use this expression when they don’t want to discuss someone real personality. ‘Friendly’ means ‘he appears friendly but he’s not’.

I wonder now, however, whether I should contact Mr Flux again and tell him what I think about him? Possibly I should, it’s not very good that I decided to judge him without even speaking with him once. I need to give him a chance, I suppose, to correct the impression that I have of him. I may contact him in a few days.

6. I’m thinking whether I should go for coffee to my favourite cafe? That could be a little change of scenery that I’m after, however my favourite coffee is over 300 kcal so I’m not terribly convinced. Maybe a walk will be better?

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