I saw my nurse yesterday and she said she’s leaving. I am quite sad about it. I really liked her. I’m however a bit confused if she’s going to leave for sure, just because of the way she’s said that – that she will be working ‘in one of the surgeries’ which then made me think she didn’t actually apply for a new job, it’s only NHS trying to do some reshuffling and things are not confirmed yet. Of course it could be just me giving too much meaning to the language she used and as a result I’ll end up disappointed when she will leave.

She’s my third nurse since I left the hospital at the beginning of January 2020 and two previous nurses weren’t very good at all, thank god I weren’t with them for too long. The first one told me on our second appointment that people at work will be gossiping about me on my return. I really don’t know what she wanted to achieve by that. I am fully aware that people love gossip and the more unusual the subject, the more they want to talk about it, so they will be talking about my psychosis too. Maybe that nurse thought that if I’m autistic, I don’t understand that and she needed to make me aware? But it didn’t sound very supportive and she didn’t provide me with any coping strategies.

It made me very uncomfortable so I complained about her informally and was given somebody else. This one turned out to be even worse. He sounded like if he wanted to be very supportive, although I was being somehow sceptical about it, as he talked far too much about how he wants to put my needs first. Then, when I went to Poland in March 2020 for two weeks and when they introduced lockdown I was so stressed that I won’t be able to go back that I didn’t sleep the entire night. I didn’t even have sleeping tablets with me. I thought I won’t need them as I was going for holiday so nothing to be stressed about.

On that day I went to town early in the morning and managed to find a pharmacy that agreed to provide me with meds on UK prescription sent over email. So I texted the nurse about it and never got a reply.

When I reached out to him in the afternoon he said he was busy and that he can’t ask the doctor for anything for me because ‘we don’t know you well yet’. That’s what we call patient cetered care, don’t we?

I managed to speak with psychiatrist over the phone and, as it was too late for me to go to town again, I asked if it’s OK if I just take my mum’s clonazepan and he said yes. Good that mum had it because otherwise I’d end up in psychosis again.

I was so upset about that nurse that I didn’t even want to complain. I wanted to wait for him to reach out to me and I’d just be a pain. But then, a few weeks later I was contacted by my mental health provider and told that I was given a new nurse. And that’s her, leaving now. I really liked her and didn’t even mind that she’s not great with paperwork. Which is completely not what we are told about autistic people, is it? And not what I thought about myself either.

We’re meeting in two weeks to fill in Relapse Prevention Plan and I’m really sad. I don’t feel like I want to have another nurse, while at the same time I don’t want to be discharged because I may apparently have problems with obtaining my meds. As you may know I am on as required olanzapine, which works very well for me, but it’s not how olanzapine is normally being used so GP may not want to prescribe it this way. Which obviously doesn’t seem fair – it should be about what works for me, not for the GP.

There is the option of ordering it as every day medication and just not take it but what would then happen if I go to a hospital with another issue will be, I’d end up getting it every day, which is not fun.

I think I’ll just stay with my mental health provider and keep ordering prescription through the reception. Maybe something will change as a result of my blogging. It probably won’t but it’s good to have hope.

Today I was at the event in Job Centre, with Shirley, the radio manager and another volunteer. Shirley did most of the talking.

The event was smaller than I thought, which was probably good. We talked with some staff at the beginning and then, individually, with young people looking for new opportunities. Some of them looked like they could be quite good on the radio, others weren’t that interested. When I left I was really confused because every person who we spoke to was different. I’m not quite sure what I expected really? I guess, possibly I wanted to classify them according to their features and I couldn’t. They could be similar age but otherwise didn’t have much in common.

When I came home I had a little rest and started looking for a job as my agency still didn’t give me any shifts. I’d ideally like to work on a zero hours contract in a care home, but not all of them offer this type of employment. I worry that eventually I’d run out of money and will just have to accept anything and also close my blog because employers will be worried that I’d start writing about them. I’d then end up in the same situation I was just over a year ago when I constantly moaned that my life is boring. So possibly it’s better to start applying now when I can still be a bit picky. Hopefully things will work out somehow.