Spoiler: you can’t develop ADHD as an adult. You either have it or you don’t. But I feel like I have almost every symptom. I can’t focus. At the moment I am ready to believe than a fly has more gray matter than me.

I can’t believe that when I was a child, and also later on, in my 20s, I had amazing clarity of thoughts whenever I had to approach a task based on logic.

I don’t know where it’s all gone.

Maybe I’m getting older, maybe I’m menopausal, who knows? But when I was younger I wasn’t being bombarded with constant updates from Facebook, YouTube, Google, Instagram.

Having ADHD could be quite convenient really, I’d take a tablet and every problem would be gone. Even including my overeating, or at least that’s what people say.

Despite growing up in a family with problems I was quite a calm child, somehow content. I read loads of books. Reading made me feel really blissful.

I don’t remember when it was the last time I read a book for fun. Probably a little bit before my second psychotic episode. Shortly after I left the hospital we had a lockdown and library got shut.

It seemed like reading Facebook posts could give me the same thrill, but it didn’t.

I went to the library today, the first time in since ages, and borrowed two books. Both about psychology. I read some of it. It’s so difficult to focus but I’m trying.

After reading a few pages I went online and ordered a watch. I can’t have ADHD, I didn’t have symptoms as a child. I always got my homework done even though no one was reminding me and I didn’t even have a dedicated desk till I was like 13. I hardly ever forgot anything for school, certainly not any more often than other kids.

Yesterday I had this idea to prepare a longer program for the radio about how telling autistic people to be more confident or ‘not to give up their power’ can cause them to say even more inappropriate things, the question that I was asked at work yesterday inspired me (what a disaster could happen if I asked that guy if he’s being racist, can you imagine?!)

But I can’t focus AT ALL.

It feels like I’m disabling myself even further only so that I could follow what’s happening on Instagram. And what’s happening on Instagram? Nothing. Or at least nothing that would be worth knowing.

And let’s hope the detox will help. Because seriously, I can’t continue like that. It’s not life. I’m practically not working for the last year and yet I’m exhausted most of the time. It seems like my brain has been stolen.

I disabled comments on my blog, although I am not sure if that is going to work for older posts too or just the new ones.

Sieczka w głowie – that’s how I used to call that state. But it would only happen occasionally, if I was tired and overwhelmed. Now it’s almost every single day although at times I cope with it a bit better.