Spoiler: you can’t develop ADHD as an adult. You either have it or you don’t. But I feel like I have almost every symptom. I can’t focus. At the moment I am ready to believe than a fly has more gray matter than me.

I can’t believe that when I was a child, and also later on, in my 20s, I had amazing clarity of thoughts whenever I had to approach a task based on logic.

I don’t know where it’s all gone.

Maybe I’m getting older, maybe I’m menopausal, who knows? But when I was younger I wasn’t being bombarded with constant updates from Facebook, YouTube, Google, Instagram.

Having ADHD could be quite convenient really, I’d take a tablet and every problem would be gone. Even including my overeating, or at least that’s what people say.

Despite growing up in a family with problems I was quite a calm child, somehow content. I read loads of books. Reading made me feel really calm.

I don’t remember when it was the last time I read a book for fun. Probably a little bit before my second psychotic episode. Shortly after I left the hospital we had a lockdown and library got shut.

It seemed like reading Facebook posts could give me the same thrill, but it didn’t.

I went to the library today, the first time since ages, and borrowed two books. Both about psychology. I read some of it. It’s so difficult to focus but I’m trying.

After reading a few pages I went online and ordered a watch. I can’t have ADHD, I didn’t have symptoms as a child. I always got my homework done even though no one was reminding me and I didn’t even have a dedicated desk till I was like 13. I hardly ever forgot anything for school, certainly not any more often than other kids.

But now I can’t focus AT ALL.

It feels like I’m disabling myself even further only so that I could follow what’s happening on Instagram. And what’s happening on Instagram? Nothing. Or at least nothing that would be worth knowing.

And let’s hope the detox will help. Because seriously, I can’t continue like that. It’s not life. I’m practically not working for the last year and yet I’m exhausted most of the time. It seems like my brain has been stolen.

I disabled comments on my blog, although I am not sure if that is going to work for older posts too or just the new ones.