I see a lot of talk online about how autism diagnosis ‘changed someone’s life’ and I’m at least sceptical. My own diagnosis didn’t bring me happiness – instead it caused many problems that I didn’t have before. In the current state of support for adult autistics I’d say self diagnosis is probably better as it doesn’t give you false hopes.

Realising I’m autistic gave me a lot of understanding that I wouldn’t have otherwise, however it totally messed up one thing that I was really good at: dealing with people who have hidden agendas.

It is said that we, autistics, can’t see hidden agendas. And the way how this is being said makes me think it’s something we need to work on and that understanding those agendas will somehow improve our lives.

However, I before diagnosis I was able to easily deal with people who had hidden agendas. I just avoided those who I didn’t understand. I asked clarifying question and if I wasn’t satisfied with the answer I asked another one. If the person still didn’t make sense, I’d be like ‘go away’. Obviously I didn’t say that, I just avoided them at all costs. I had absolutely no idea that they had hidden agenda and that’s why I wasn’t able to communicate with them, I just thought they’re weirdos. That was enough for me to protect myself from a lot of drama.

I remember this one, quite funny situation: I was still back in Reading and working temporarily in a different care home to my usual one. One of the residents, I was told, had a sister who wasn’t very nice, although no one wanted to disclose any details. One Sunday she called, around 10am and asked me what her brother is doing and I said, he’s getting ready to go to church, which was his usual Sunday activity.

‘But we’re coming!’ she said in a demanding voice. I didn’t know what that was about so just in case I said ‘ok’. I was thinking that possibly she wants to talk to staff while her brother is not around.

Later on I was told to do something out of the house so I never met that sister, but when I came back deputy manager asked me about the details of that phone conversation. It turned out that when the sister came in she was upset that her brother wasn’t in!

Only then I understood what happened: when I thought that the sister was being demanding while saying ‘But we’re coming!’ she was expecting me to cancel her brother’s church! And I didn’t get it.

I thought at first that I’d get told of by deputy but that didn’t happen. It took me a while to realise that the deputy was probably quietly relieved that the sister finally got what she deserved.

I’ve been thinking for quite a while that I need to go back to that approach, it was really working well for me, much better than trying to work out what that hidden agenda can be. I’m not sure I’d be able to do it in such a pure, innocent, naive way I used to before realising I’m autistic. I guess I may never be able to forget the concept of hidden agendas. But I can possibly choose the same behaviour I was using to deal with similar situations: ignoring people I don’t understand.