I had this idea yesterday that it’s finally time to learn to drive. How I came up with that was probably because the only pattern I can see in lifes of successful people, who have something exciting going on for them, is that they are all drivers. And, as I didn’t see any other pattern, it made sense to me that I have to start driving.

I used to take lessons, when I was still living in Reading, and unfortunately I didn’t feel confident driving on the road, with all those other drivers. I’d probably learn if I really wanted to, I’d just need to practice for a bit longer, but I also identified a serious problem: I hit accelerator two or three times when I had to break suddenly. If the instructor didn’t use his break, I’d have an accident.

My lessons were in automatic car and I couldn’t understand why I’m supposed to use one foot only for both accelerator and break – surely, that’s not a good design? But other people don’t complain about it, so maybe that’s my problem only?

So yesterday I came up with an idea that I need an adapted car. One where I have right foot for the break only and the accelerator would need to be somewhere else. But I’d need to take lessons in this car so I’d need to buy it before I start the lessons! Still, it made sense for me to do that. I went to my autistic female Facebook group to discuss that and no one there had the adaptations I was after, and that’s finally calmed me down. Thank god!

But you know, I’d love to be able to drive.

I managed to get some sensible sleep last night and I had a dream that I visited mum in her care home and she was walking normally and was perfectly alert. And I was wondering why she’s actually in a care home? So I had this idea that I need to get her out but I wasn’t sure what to do with her. I knew she wouldn’t be able to go back to the family home, due to my brother’s drinking problem but I didn’t want to take her back to mine as she was annoying me when she lived here. So I just thought, I’d pretend that she has dementia and this way I don’t have to do anything. It was not a nice dream and I felt guilty when I woke up.

Today in the morning I had my Personal Independence Payment assessment. I didn’t like the questions, I didn’t feel like I had the chance to describe how my autism and mental health problems affect me. In a way I also feel that extra money is not necessarily what would solve my problems. Yes, I could work less, but I didn’t work a lot during the last couple of months and the problems are still with me. At the same time I’d like to feel like my condition is being noticed. I sometimes feel like the fact that I’m not anxious around people and I recovered after my psychoses makes my daily struggle less valid. It seems to me like the fact that I am coping is being twisted to say I don’t need support. So I need to make myself worse first to get people to help me. That how this system seems to work.