It’s been already a few days since I had the idea that what I need to feel better is some kind of radical positive thinking and connecting with my intuition. I initially wanted to sign up for Feminine Power course but I’m having issues with spending $1k if I don’t really know what it is. Also, I saw an ad where a couple of women share how the course changed their life but they’re all anonymous. One says, smiling and happy, that she never thought she’d become international bestseller author, she never even wanted to write a book, and I’m thinking, who is she then? What did she write? How come I don’t know her? And I think, I’m sorry, something dodgy is going on there.

So Feminine Power needs to be eliminated but I need something else. What came to my mind is how the book ‘The Power of your subconscious mind’ by Joseph Murphy made me feel when I was in my early 20s. Even if you never heard of Joseph Murphy, you probably heard of The Secret. You know, all those New Age things that are meant to bring you wealth and happiness as long as you think about them for long enough. Ideas like that were not popular in my country so when I saw that book in the book shop, I didn’t know what to expect. But when I bought it and started reading I believe that if it was published it must be true so I started doing the exercises and they made me feel so much better, I was relaxed and positive every single day. And only, after a few weeks, I realised the wealth wasn’t materialising and anyway, it would be silly to expect that, wouldn’t it? If it was so easy, everyone would be rich, we would have no cleaners and possibly very few bus drivers or construction workers as no one would want to do those job so the society as we know it would fall apart. So I rejected the idea together with the exercises.

Now, as I browse through self help books on Amazon I can’t find anything that would be about thinking positively but without the promise of it bringing enormous change into our lives.

If I want to be realistic I can do mindfulness. But mindfulness is focused on here and now. And what if my here and now is all about ‘how am I going to cope now, when my mum died? The future is blank, nothing positive is ever going to happen to me. Nothing at all is ever going to happen to me, I’ll just spend the rest of my life in bed.’ I’m sorry, but this is what I am thinking. And focusing on this thought doesn’t make it go away at all. It’s not about mood, it’s the lack of social imagination that does that to me. I just can’t imagine the future at all.

So I am thinking, what if we tried techniques from Joseph Murphy book but without the expectation that the great things are going to happen to me only because I thought about them?

The techniques are basically visualisations: you sit or lie down in a quiet place where no one disturbs you, relax with some meditation techniques and then you visualise desired outcome. The desired outcome doesn’t need to be wealth. It can be new job, being fitter than ever or being confident on a date. But I don’t want to achieve anything through visualisation, I just want to help my brain to understand that future is going to happen. But I can’t seem to be able to do that if that’s not how the concept is being used.