One of the main issues that I can’t cope with is when people twist things during a conversation. My mind just goes totally blank and I don’t know what to say so as a result I agree with whatever they suggested and then get angry with myself.

One of the interviews that I had last week was with a small care company set up rather recently. That company just secured one small contract in Swindon, they will be supporting someone in their own home for 5 hours a day. So I’d have to work 6 days a week to get my desired 30h and, because it would be difficult to find somebody to cover the remaining day and my holiday, I wouldn’t probably get 30h a week.

Everything else though seemed to suit me so I didn’t say no when they called me today. I said I’d consider it but I’m worried I won’t get enough hours. ‘You will! – the lady on the other side insisted. – We will get more contracts.’

‘But you don’t have them now, do you?’ I thought but saying that would be rude so I stopped myself. The problem was, however, nothing else came to my mind instead. I repeated the same thing that I already said but using slightly different words, which was already an achievement for me because at least I didn’t go totally mute. The lady then said she’ll get somebody else to call me tomorrow to discuss the details and I thought that’s a good idea but, as tomorrow I’m on training in Bristol, I asked her if the call could be done before 10.30am and then she suddenly changed her mind and said she’ll give me time till Friday to think about it and I agreed for some reason.

I agreed because she twisted things twice: the first time while insisting they’ll have more contracts, the second time while changing her mind about giving me the chance to ask more questions. So now I’m in the situation when I am supposed to ‘think’ but don’t know what I’ll be thinking about because no new information has been provided. I don’t even know what kind of contracts they offer but somehow that didn’t occur to me till like 30 minutes after we finished the phone call.

That’s what I find so frustrating: I try to get to the point and people are twisting. Does that mean they have something to hide? But what? Maybe it’s me who’s not getting something, I think, and I keep playing that game called neurotypical communication even though I’m not very good at it.

I did have an idea finally to email the company and tell them I’d like to have a look at the contract of employment. I wonder what they will say. But that didn’t tell me at all how to cope with similar situations in the future.

It seems to me that I coped with them better before I realised I’m autistic. ‘Those people are weird, ignore them’ – my instinct used to tell me very quickly. Now I assume this is just normal part of communication and it’s me who’s getting things wrong so I make an effort to engage with the other side and it all ends in frustration.

Changing the subject trigger warning:

I will be working as a housekeeper in a hotel in Swindon for 3 days next week. I wonder how I’m going to cope. It’s all black dress code so I went to try my black smart trousers on and they still fit… just about. But if I keep eating more biscuits they won’t. Struggling with keeping my weight stable was always my issue and just recently I started wondering that maybe it will be better to accept myself being this tiny bit bigger, like I am now, instead of constantly planning to go on a diet and never quite succeeding.

I need to make a post one day about my weight loss and gain. But not today. I’m not ready. It’s taboo, even more than my struggle with mental health.