One of the advice for supporting autistic people is making everything predictable. But can it actually work? You may at times think that it does because it helped you prevent your autistic husband’s/friend’s/child’s meltdown but how does it make you feel? Are you not stressed by constantly trying to control everything? Do you not feel like being held hostage by the autistic person?

The problem here is that we, autistics, pick up on other people moods, so if you’re stressed we know it. When I upset somebody I always know something is wrong, we just don’t know what.

So, if trying to control everything to make things predictable for us is making you angry, it will never work. Even if it’s not making you angry you’re disabling us. The world can’t be controlled, period.

I will admit here I don’t have much of that issue myself, I consider myself quite flexible, at least for an autistic person, that is. But The Boyfriend used to be quite funny sometimes with the way he approached food. He could eat any food as long as it’s something he expected. If he didn’t expect something… OMG, God help me! He would just not eat anything at all, then he would not drink anything because he couldn’t drink if he couldn’t eat and then he would effectively ruin our evening. Telling him that he makes me feel bad didn’t change anything. His issues were more important.

So I did what is being advised everywhere: I would always talk to him beforehand what I’m going to serve for every meal when he comes to visit. It did kind of work but was making me fed up. And one day THAT happened: I told him I’m going to serve curry and curry is one of his favourite dishes. I am quite a good cook but I bought new packet of Garam Masala and something must have been wrong with it as the sauce turned out bitter!

When The Boyfriend turned up I told him what happened and suggested he could try some of that curry, maybe it won’t be that bad for him but the answer was no. I asked him if he wants take away – no. Going to a pub – no. No to everything.

And the worst was when I suggested Chinese next door but then checked online and it turned out they were closed on that day and what did he say? He suddenly wanted Chinese! But not from a restaurant further away because he didn’t want to do any more driving and not getting a delivery because it takes too long! Did he expect I would go there and open the place for him?

I finally managed to have a supportive conversation with him and explained that he’s just about to ruin our evening and if that’s really what he wants after driving for 45 minutes and we finally agreed I’d make him some toasted sandwiches and he can stay. But as I had no cheese I had to go to the local shop, all by myself, as he said his foot was hurting.

While standing in the queue I told myself: the technique I chose is not working. I can’t control everything, it’s not possible, I needed to come up with something else.