I believe I mentioned a few times that we, autistics, need to learn how to think long term but I feel like this is quite difficult.

I participated in an email interview a few days ago for another website and I was told yesterday that it will be published on 21st of September. And I thought that’s two weeks from now. This concept that something is going to happen in two weeks is totally foreign to me! At least in relation to my blog or in general to being heard and recognised.

I sometimes think that I didn’t manage to be successful in any area because I couldn’t comprehend that I need to wait for results. But how can I wait patiently if future seems like it’s never going to happen?

Although the lack of success thing is probably more complicated than that. First of all I was made to believe that I’m good at maths when the truth is, I’m only good at spotting patterns but maths is not really my thing. Neither IT. I’m not really interested in any of that. What I’m really interested in are people, but from my autistic point of view. I so far didn’t find any use for it.

But I do admit that my job in care, although I did not dislike it, didn’t really suit me and I wasn’t doing anything about it because staying in that job at least meant that I knew what is going to happen in two weeks (or two years for that matter): life will be exactly the same, constant, predictable.

When I started this blog I got upset a couple of times that no one seems to listen to what I have to say and I wanted to delete it on several occasions. There was something compulsive about it: I can’t get what I want so I don’t want anything at all. Obviously I know this is not a good way of approaching life but it felt stronger than my logic. I guess it’s an autistic thing.

I am glad now that I didn’t delete it. Writing really helps, especially now when I’m going through such a difficult time.