I was always being protected from the truth about my brother, in a way. Yes, mum would tell me about his behaviour but when it came to actually dealing with him I’d make sure I’m not involved. My mum had to do it. It never worked as he just screamed at her.

When mum was at mine, he’d scream at her over the phone. I tried to interfere at some point and although he didn’t scream at me, he also didn’t do what I asked him to (like paying an electricity bill for example).

Now mum is saying I should keep telling him to stop drinking and take care of himself. How would that work, I don’t really know. He won’t listen, he believe he is ‘one level above everyone else’.

Till last year, after my mum moved in with me and I started reading about it, I didn’t really know how alcoholism looks like.

My brother very often doesn’t even look drunk, or at least I wouldn’t notice if I didn’t speak with him for a bit longer.

I didn’t know that neglecting every single area of life while at the same time having inflated sense of self is a syndrom of alcoholism. I always thought that my brother has problem with alcohol while at the same time he lost touch with reality for some over reason. I didn’t know he lost touch with reality because of his drinking.

I remember when I spoke with him about my psychotic episodes he used to say that if I learned to deal with stress the same way he does, I’d not have any problems.

How, I asked. By drinking? No, he said, he has some special power, he does kung-fu and meditation. Ok, I’ll learn then, I replied and he started laughing. I asked why he’s laughing and he said because it takes ages to practice, I’m not going to be able to do it.

But he just said that I needed to learn dealing with stress the same way as him, didn’t he? He even used this opportunity to tell me he’s one level above me.

I took zopiclone yesterday, at the end, but woke up early. I feel strange sense of relief but at the same time I’m very tired, like if I just run a marathon. It’s possible I’ll just stay in bed today.

I hope my brother will want my share of the house. Roots are not really that important and the house is still going to be here, slowly falling apart due to lack of maintenance.