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It’s raining
I managed another 1.5h of sleep so I’m really doing ok. Weather is bad again, it’s raining and depressing. I don’t know what I will be doing today, I’ll probably go to the shop to get some more bread and another cheese spread. And possibly something for dinner. What would happen if I refused to…
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Counting sleep at 4.40am
Since my second psychotic episode I tend to count how many hours I slept when I go through stress. I went to bed just after 10pm so it’s enough for not developing another episode. I must say sleep wise I cope much better that I thought, I only had to take zopiclone twice since I…
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Relief
Usually, after a period of feeling down due to circumstances, I finally start feeling better, and that is what’s happening now. I start believing that things will be well, although I don’t know what that ‘well’ would mean. My brother will stop drinking? I don’t think so. So maybe my mum will like her new…
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Immaturity
I did hear that people with Asperger’s are immature and I wonder sometimes what that actually means. If I didn’t have Asperger’s, would I deal any better with this situation? Would I not be fed up? Would I not believe that money should be spent on home improvement rather than putting elderly relatives into care…
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Money for food
My brother asked me if I can give him some money for food for the house. It was a bit strange as it was me who was buying food so far, so it made me think,what he would eat if I wasn’t in (although I presume he ate something outside of the house too during…
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I think I’m depressed
I didn’t even properly leave the bed. Only went to the kitchen for breakfast and lunch. I’m in some kind of half asleep state and I have no hope. But I don’t even know what the hope could be for. There’s nothing waiting for me in this life, I don’t think so. I don’t even…
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It’s hard to imagine, I know
It is said that people with Asperger’s can’t imagine how others are feeling and what to say to make them feel better. But then, it was my neurotypical colleague who used to say that the problems that I have with my mum are not real problems, because her mum had Alzheimer’s and taking care of…
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I’m not doing this
I’m fed up, I’m not going to deal with anything at all. My mum has her glasses now and a moisturiser so it’s not like I’m a bad daughter. I wish to say that if I leave my brother will have no choice but to deal with things, but he won’t. Can I just book…
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Waiting for miracle
I spent another couple of hours in bed just wishing for things to be different. And I don’t even mean perfect, I am fully aware that my family is far from normal and perfect is too much to aim for. I just want them to be a bit better than they are now. First of…
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Difficult feelings
I woke up early in the morning with the thought that if my mum ends up in the care home permanently, I’ll never forgive my brother. Not that our relationship is good now, so it will probably not change anything and he won’t even notice. My mum could of course live in a small, rented…
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Autistic and me 