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I’m not going back
My emotions are so raw now. I don’t want to go anywhere, I feel so bad for leaving my mum now, when she needs me more than anything. She has care but… I need to be able to see her. To see how she’s coping. To see how much she changed. What if she doesn’t…
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Silent meltdown
A meltdown is apparently when an autistic person looses touch with reality, may scream, cry or even lay down under the table. Well, at least that’s what I was made to believe. I never behave this way. I feel like I’m screaming inside but I keep my cool. I was probably screaming as a child…
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Me and mum – the last visit this trip
Mum seemed alert today again and yet barely talked to me. She said again she has a feeling everything is going to be well and even that my brother will stop drinking. She also asked me why I went back to the UK before dad died (that’s a story for another post altogether). I didn’t…
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I can’t possibly be autistic
When I first had this idea I may have Asperger’s (I’m not fond of that term now) what didn’t make sense to me most was, how emotional I can be at times. My understanding of Asperger’s was that the person affected is very logical, methodical and get things done without being affected by unhelpful things…
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Feeling low at 4am
I woke up early again, after approximately five and a half hours of sleep. It is still enough for me to not get psychosis (please, remember, I’d need more than one sleepless night to develop an episode). I’m wondering if the reason for waking up so early can be the fact that the room is…
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Being true to myself
Is it possible to judge someone for their feelings, I’m wondering. I did write in my recent post that I wonder if my readers may judge me for how I feel about my mum getting old. But then, this is my blog and what’s the point of creating yet another place where I cannot be…
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Errands
I spent today running the last of my errands. Mum insists on me to pay her bills, which are technically my brother’s now as it’s only him who lives in the house, but everything is registered on her. It’s not always easy to pay the bills online here and I have the impression that there’s…
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Good news
I collected my ID card today! I am officially a free woman and can go back where my home is. It’s a bit strange that my home is so far from where I was brought up but not much I can do about that. I came to celebrate to a small cafe half way through…
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Night watchman and me
A few days ago, since I’m the only guest in the hostel, I realised there is a night watchman coming at 10pm. Well, realised is probably not the right word as the receptionist told me about him but the way she said that made me think… oh well, it looks like I’m jumping to conclusion.…
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Another day…
Trigger warning: mentions self harm but also talks about nice weather and speaking up. It was another warm and sunny day so I made an effort to spend couple of hours outdoors. It still surprises me how the town changed over the years, since I was in secondary school. We didn’t have McDonald’s at the…
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Autistic and me 