Autistic and me

Being myself

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  • Home at last

    I felt very weird when I went into my flat yesterday, it seemed like something is different. I remember thinking to myself ‘this is your home now’. I never thought about it as my home, home was in Smardzewice, the flat in Swindon was only a place where I lived. I suppose now, after I […]

    Magda Z.

    October 5, 2021
    Uncategorized
    communication, employment, Entertainment, Poland, symbols, travelling
  • Hostel in Kraków – freaking out!

    I usually stay in hostels when I’m travelling. Most times I book a bed in a dorm room and I never really had any issue with that, people wise More over, the bigger the room the better. It’s very easy to ignore people in bigger rooms. The problem that I have sometimes is that beds […]

    Magda Z.

    October 2, 2021
    Uncategorized
    being social, travelling
  • Nothing will ever be the same again

    That’s how I feel: there’s something I need to say goodbye to but nothing else is going to appear in this place, or at least nothing positive. There will be unpaid bills and angry phone calls from my brother. Mum will never cook pierogi for me again. I’m unlikely to ever sleep in my family […]

    Magda Z.

    October 2, 2021
    Uncategorized
    being social, communication, coping, mental health, Poland, symbols
  • How does dementia start?

    I didn’t sleep very long again but I should be ok. I’m thinking now that I’m glad I came and even that I lost my ID and had to stay longer. Due to that I could have seen how my mum’s mental state deteriorated, if I didn’t see that I would not believe she has […]

    Magda Z.

    October 2, 2021
    Uncategorized
    fraud, mum, Poland, psychosis, The Boyfriend
  • I’m not going back

    My emotions are so raw now. I don’t want to go anywhere, I feel so bad for leaving my mum now, when she needs me more than anything. She has care but… I need to be able to see her. To see how she’s coping. To see how much she changed. What if she doesn’t […]

    Magda Z.

    October 1, 2021
    Uncategorized
    Poland
  • Silent meltdown

    A meltdown is apparently when an autistic person looses touch with reality, may scream, cry or even lay down under the table. Well, at least that’s what I was made to believe. I never behave this way. I feel like I’m screaming inside but I keep my cool. I was probably screaming as a child […]

    Magda Z.

    October 1, 2021
    Uncategorized
    meltdown, Poland
  • Me and mum – the last visit this trip

    Mum seemed alert today again and yet barely talked to me. She said again she has a feeling everything is going to be well and even that my brother will stop drinking. She also asked me why I went back to the UK before dad died (that’s a story for another post altogether). I didn’t […]

    Magda Z.

    October 1, 2021
    Uncategorized
    mum, symbols
  • I can’t possibly be autistic

    When I first had this idea I may have Asperger’s (I’m not fond of that term now) what didn’t make sense to me most was, how emotional I can be at times. My understanding of Asperger’s was that the person affected is very logical, methodical and get things done without being affected by unhelpful things […]

    Magda Z.

    October 1, 2021
    Uncategorized
    autistic identity
  • Feeling low at 4am

    I woke up early again, after approximately five and a half hours of sleep. It is still enough for me to not get psychosis (please, remember, I’d need more than one sleepless night to develop an episode). I’m wondering if the reason for waking up so early can be the fact that the room is […]

    Magda Z.

    October 1, 2021
    Uncategorized
    meaning of life, The Boyfriend
  • Being true to myself

    Is it possible to judge someone for their feelings, I’m wondering. I did write in my recent post that I wonder if my readers may judge me for how I feel about my mum getting old. But then, this is my blog and what’s the point of creating yet another place where I cannot be […]

    Magda Z.

    September 30, 2021
    Uncategorized
    autism characteristics, mum
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