Category: Uncategorized
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My instinct is all wrong – 5am
After writing the previous post I managed to get some more sleep and woke up at 4.35. Since that time I’m terribly worried again. I have the thought coming to my head every so often that I shouldn’t do that, that I shouldn’t put mum into a private care home. That it will give me […]
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Worried sick at 2am
I just woke up. I fall asleep at 10pm so it’s 4h of sleep. Enough that I don’t get an episode but a bit little to be well rested. I’m worried, what if I never get a job again. What if my mum needs me and I won’t even be able to afford a flight […]
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I feel guilty
I can’t help but feel guilty for simple things that are not directly connected to issues I came here to deal with: having a walk in the sunshine, ice-cream, bottle of coke. Before I came here I was on Universal Credit for around a month and I was making an effort to survive for 2 […]
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Hot afternoon
I keep walking outside of the hostel, enjoying hot weather and nice area around me but I keep thinking I should be with mum. That’s of course impossible due to Covid. The annoying thing is that number of infections is really low in the entire country. I guess it’s just a precaution but why now, […]
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My last job
I was sacked from my last job. I explained that in my last post. And I don’t mean the job for Home Group here, Home Group didn’t sack me, I left. My last job was a job in a care home. I found it a bit difficult working there full time. I like taking care […]
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Not seeing things from other people perspective
That’s why it’s sometimes being said we don’t have empathy. But I know it’s not true. When I see my mum, so small in her hospital bed, I can see how vulnerable she is and I want to protect her. But when I first found out she had an accident I didn’t speak with her […]
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Love mum
I arranged the transport for monday 11am and I can go with mum. I can’t wait to see her, I hope she will be happy in her new place. I keep thinking how vulnerable she is now and how much I want to protect her. Nothing else matters now. Forget the money, we’ll all cope […]
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Zopiclone
I took zopiclone at 11 and woke up at 4am feeling anxious. It is enormous responsibility to move mum to a place that we have to pay for if I know that funds are limited. Something happened yesterday in relation to her current care home, that made me realise that the nurses are not necessarily […]
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Private care home
The private care home looked a bit like a hotel, slightly over the top and much better than any care home I’ve ever seen in the UK (and I’ve seen a few). I was slightly reluctant after seeing that and also it’s in the middle of nowhere, but then I guess that’s how they all […]
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Finite games and suicidal thoughts
I managed to make a mental leap finally, the same that I did when I realised that my interview is going to be published in two weeks, and I even managed to get some more sleep. It’s 7.48am now. But when I woke up I realised that it was just my brain playing the finite […]
Autistic and me 