This thing that I’m going to talk about here again should, from technical point of view, have it’s own tag on my blog, but it’s the thing that I don’t want to talk about too openly so I didn’t create one.
I still have some readers so possibly they remember how I believed that I was being put on speech and language therapy delivered by the community and that included John. It was never confirmed to me whether that is true or not – if I asked my psychiatric nurse she would say no directly but hinted yes. So finally I stopped asking and with my new nurse I didn’t even start this subject. I am very good at spotting patterns in other people communication so when someone says something out of the ordinary, like even the lady on the bus in my last post, I notice it. I’m not saying here that the lady on the bus got involved in it – I’m just giving it as an example of what I mean.
But if people around me all suddenly start communicating differently, it means something.
Shortly after I was diagnosed, I remember I sent that dramatic email to Oriana, my diagnostician, where I was venting about the situation at work and how it literally made me crazy. She didn’t do much about it and I now know that she was aware that if I knew she’s getting involved I’d take it as a sign that there was hope while there wasn’t any.
In the UK a vulnerable person, and I was vulnerable at the time, can be put on safeguarding even without being informed, and I think that’s what happened to me. That’s why when I developed my first psychotic episode and wanted to get away, the only flight ticket I was able to book online was to Warsaw in premium economy with PLL LOT. Ryanair and Wizzair websites just strangely didn’t work and LOT didn’t allow me to book a flight to Prague.
I don’t know how this was all arranged but it must have been allowed and I do agree that I needed that.
But what I realised now, when my mum become a victim of fraud, that must have been for real. And only later it was made look by police in Poland like there were other victims so that I didn’t feel too bad, especially at the time when I needed to focus on my mum receiving good care.
So even though I was on safeguarding, it still didn’t prevent bad things happening to me and my family.
The gratitude practice doesn’t seem doing me any good. I’d rather believe that the fraud was all set up by friendly staff from Alior Bank because they were concerned about the fact that I’m a bit too focused on protecting mum’s resources from my alcoholic brother and can’t see the impact it will have on my mental in the future.
I feel so bad now, I’m having suicidal thoughts. That’s what being autistic is like in our society: we’re naive all the time, we believe we’re supposed to be helping people. We think that when others are nice, it means they are genuine.
But at least, despite having three psychotic episodes, I am still able to work. I can’t imagine what a trauma it would be being arrested in Prague at the time, without even having a health insurance.