I wonder if other people experience that too? John is like a family to me and apart from that I don’t have anyone really (it’s sad, isn’t it?), but I suppose similar issues may appear with living in partner or a husband. So basically he would like me to find a meds that really work for me, but I think he doesn’t realize how daunting this process can be.

If I start trying all the meds in alphabetical order and experience certain side effects, I wouldn’t be able to go to work till those pass. And then I’d move on to another one and may experience something even worse.

I think John has more hope regarding the entire process, which I lost.

I so far tried: promazine, respiridone, something begining with F (I think it was fluoxetine, with I was explained was an antidepressant but works as antipsychotic in high doses), quetiapine, olanzapine and just now aripiprazole.

Quetiapine gave me this strange feeling I didn’t find in it’s side effects list: I’d wake up every night with an impression that I cannot move. It was just an impression because when I forced myself, I moved normally. I then fell back asleep but every time I thought about it during the day I felt uncomfortable. Doctors took me off it after a week, possibly it would be worth waiting a bit longer, I don’t know?

With fluoxetine I had stiff arms and back. Risperidone increased my anxiety and decreased appetite so badly that I’d become anorexic if it continued.

Promazine was the first med I tried after my first episode. I felt perfectly fine on it at first but the tablets contained lactose which I didn’t realise and I’m intolerant. I think I was on it for a month but the dose was going up and up and finally I started getting really bloated. That’s when I read the leaflet. During the time I was taking it I wasn’t fully aware how serious what happened to me was – I was not delusional any more, it was more that due to autism I didn’t fully process events and I thought some things that happened were funny. I presume they were in a way, especially how I made Home Group to reveal the most important piece of evidence in employment tribunal proceedings even though I didn’t have a lawyer.

But I didn’t realise the full impact of the situation on my life. I didn’t know I’d be too scared to go back to the UK. I was mostly in a very good mood at the time.

The community doctor then put me on liquid respiridone and I was coping at first but then ended up in hospital with bad suicidal thoughts. I think I was there for two months and finally was put back on promazine and lorazepam for anxiety. I had absolutely no side effects. I don’t remember now if they found another formulation of promazine or what, but it was working.

When I left the hospital I started getting ready to go back to the UK, I even booked my flight. And then I started getting extremely stressed and both promazine and lorazepam weren’t able to calm me down and I wasn’t sleeping. That’s when I had the suicide attempt.

The doctors then decided I had suicide attempt because of promazine, while I just thought I had it because of untreated PTSD. Anyway, it did look like promazine wasn’t enough in the time of stress and worry, while olanzapine is helping me calm down and sleep even during difficult times.

I think it would make most sense to go on olanzapine for now and then when my situation stabilise try something else. But I do admit, I feel like side effects are punishment for my bad mental health; for the fact that I can’t ‘sort myself out’. It is really not a good feeling and having someone close to me who has a different opinion on meds than me is really not helping.

I wonder if other people experience that too and how that makes them feel.

There’s so much stigma attached to bad mental health, isn’t it? When people discuss it, they usually just talk about depression.