John came over and brought some mince pies. Normally I’d have one after dinner but the thought I need to go back on olanzapine made me realise something: I have to learn to say no to food! Otherwise I’ll explode one day or at least won’t be able to get through the door.

When I was on olanzapine previously I actually liked having an excuse to satisfy every cravings. Now I’m realising that if I want something sweet maybe I should have golden delicious apple instead of two muffins (or 4, because that also happened).

So I told myself I’ll have that mince pie tomorrow, but one only and keep one for Tuesday possibly? The rest will go back with John to his house.

Also, he was very concerned about my medication. But when I was saying that I wanted to be on aripiprazole on and off it wasn’t because I didn’t take my mental health seriously, it was because I wanted to negotiate the best deal for myself out of life. Also possibly because aripiprazole may cause impulsive behaviours, lol. So not the med for me, but I really enjoy my uni course!

Also one small but positive thing: my mental tiredness lifted a lot quite suddenly yesterday evening. Being mentally tired was always a problem for several weeks after an episode and I always thought I have to wait for it to pass, but this time I forced myself to study. At first I got even more tired so had a bit of rest, like one day, and then continued. And it now looks to me like I’m close to being recovered. Isn’t that good?

No need to go to sleep at 8pm any more.

But that doesn’t mean I can eat a mince pie to celebrate. I’ll have one tomorrow instead.