Unless you can’t sleep, then it’s agitating. And what I mean by that is, two nights of very poor sleep and I’m too tired to think clearly, yet still quite energetic. So what I do? Walk around my flat in circles.

I do worry the story from my first episode may repeat – funilly enough it also happened at the beginning of September and from around beginning of November I started experiencing terrible insomnia that lasted pretty much until finally in February I was put on olanzapine.

Why those meds are so complicated, can someone tell me? In the state I am in, I can’t see I’ll be ready to go back to work in two weeks; I pretty much feel differently every single day, have no control over it and I am also getting annoyed about it.

I’m considering going back on olanzapine, which is what dr suggested initially. Possibly when I recover I can consider switching to something less sedating, but I do think I need to be on meds till the end of my life, unfortunately. I am just too obsessive without them.

Unless my situation changes and people will always consider what I have to say, but for now life without meds is just too risky, you know?

And please do not tell me that we should be positive about psychosis because I still have plenty to offer. I’d have plenty to offer even without going through 3 episodes, although possibly creating content for the blog would need a more creative approach. But psychosis is still an illness, not a very nice one and it takes time to recover from.