There is this meditation in Sleep School app called exactly that: fortune telling. It’s about thinking pattern where we try to predict what is going to happen and I must admit, I do that a lot. Even with little things. For example, while doing my grocery shopping in Lidl yesterday I was trying to ‘predict’ whether I’d cook Polish white soup for dinner or meatballs with pasta. I wasn’t planning, I was trying to predict. Maybe it doesn’t make much sense to you but that’s how it felt.

My thinking patterns changed a lot since at 17 I decided I need to stop being like my dad or I’d end up like him. But it was another 10 years when I felt they changed permanently, and then since situation in Home Group, I become even more rigid. Like if thinking about the future and constant planning was meant to protect me; but it doesn’t, I am somehow doing much better when I’m spontaneous – for example I am still glad about signing up for uni; I almost can’t imagine how my life would be without it.

When I was younger I was a dreamer a lot and I think that protected my mental health. I wonder if I can go back to it somehow.

I keep reading Telling tales about dementia and just found this sentence: It wasn’t a local authority institution but a private nursing home – about how a family decided where their loved one should spend their last days.

So let me tell you, I worked in ‘a private nursing home’ with outstanding CQC rating that was like a maze where staff would be running like headless chickens the entire day and we had to move furniture around in some rooms – as they were so small – to do hoisting.

So why would staff want to work in a care home that is so difficult to work in? Because of their excellent CQC rating as it looks great on CV, especially if one manages to get to a team leader position. And when people have high motivation they may be hiding stress very well, but who knows, maybe a vulnerable person can still sense it?