I never learned how to deal with the feeling of really wanting something

It just my life circumstances didn’t really allowed it, since I was a child, through adolescence and adulthood. Now I feel like aripiprazole makes my real emotions stronger.

So that’s what happened: I was thinking that part of my restlessness was caused by excess mental energy, like if it was rebound mania: I was so tired for months, then arpiprazole gave me my energy back and I wanted to do things. So I applied for that University dementia course. I thought when I do that, I’ll feel relieved.

I applied yesterday at 2pm, then went to do quick grocery shopping, then unwrapped my canvas (I thought they were in pack of 3, but it was only one and as I got two packs, I had 2), started messing about with it, did it for an hour and then had the most horrendous anxiety attack ever.

The aripiprazole anxiety is different, restless and strangely relieves feelings that I long forgotten; the negative feelings I mean.

I was trying to cope with it by eating blueberry muffins that only had one blueberry each. It didn’t help. Called John, he told me he was worried I’m going to have another psychosis. But I was on antipsychotics, what he wanted me to do. Also, I wasn’t worried about it much; I was worried that I’m going to fall from constant, restless pacing around my flat.

I had to finish that phonecall then. John is lovely and I know he wishes me well, but he’s not a mental health nurse. Anyway, I wonder what a mental health nurse would say.

Finally I fell asleep around 6.30pm, on my sofa, with my clothes on, and woke up at 00.45; not a bad sleep then, is it? I mean considering I’m on aripiprazole.

It was a brilliant med for like a week or so. Even later for a bit – I almost designed my thesis on it.

So I don’t want to give up, but I cannot continue either. Mind you, I’m fine now. I presume some of it left my system already.

I now wonder what I’m going to do if my uni application is going to get accepted. Should I go for it and pay? What do you think?

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